226 Comments

My grandmother always advised me never to buy a house unless I could afford to hire a gardener. Taking her wisdom to heart, that's precisely what I did! Beautiful landscaping truly is the gift that keeps on giving. While I take pride in planting flowers myself, I wisely leave the lawn care to the experts to work their magic.

Expand full comment

Ahhhhhh! What beauty this brings you, Lisa! Well done!

Expand full comment

Ooooh! I agree with your granny. But I've taught our gardeners a thing or two. Specifically, "No-Mow May" when you don't mow the whole month of May. It's magical. The lawn fills itself in, weeds get naturally eliminated and all kinds of wildlife show up!

Expand full comment

Love that tip. Gonna mark my calendar for 2025 to remind myself. Thank you.

Expand full comment

You won't regret it Lisa!

Expand full comment

At my homes, I have an rrangement. Like a lawncare person to do the mowings. I do all the little stuff (I have an excellent collection of hand trimmers, small saws, branch cuttders, and so forth. I buy good tools. They last forever.)

Expand full comment

So enjoyable---TRIMMING!!!

Expand full comment

Good tools make me swoon.

Expand full comment

Just today I trimmed my five orange 🍊 trees in the backyard. When they are ripe they will be goooood!

Expand full comment

Yuuuummm!

Expand full comment

Excellent, Lorraine Evanoff!

Expand full comment

🥰

Expand full comment

E. Jean, It hit very cold here today, so I’ve been trying to keep everything warm. I hope 🤞🏻 it works. In one day here it went from boiling 🥵 hot to freezing 🥶 cold.

Expand full comment

I’ve installed toilets, faucets, ceiling fans, and light fixtures. I’ve skim coated walls, pulled up carpeting and lifted rotted underlayment. I’ve replaced doorknobs, and dimmer switches, and the heating element inside my oven. I’ve bombed my house for fleas and painted more walls than Mexico could ever refuse to pay for. I’ve replaced sink drains, hung beadboard, removed vinyl tile and scraped up all the motherfricken adhesive it left behind. I’ve snaked clogged drains and installed shrink wrap on my windows and weatherstripping on my doors. I’ve steamed off wallpaper and hung new wallpaper, I’ve patched plaster cracks in the ceiling. I’ve repaired/rescreened porch screens and doors.

Phew! And it’s only Thursday….

(🤣)

Seriously, I do as much as I can on my own because repair folks are expensive, our funds are limited, and this house has scared away more than a few tradespeople.

What I will pay for is someone to service our boiler, (because it’s a beast, it’s finally paid for, and it’s beautiful, and I don’t know anything else about it) and we have our chimneys professionally cleaned every year because my husband doesn’t bounce like he used to, and I’m afraid of heights.

Expand full comment

HOLD THE PHONE!

You have installed a toilet!!

I am "bouncing" with delight!

Expand full comment

I have! It’s one of those little accomplishments that rarely comes up in conversation, but when it does?

I’m ready.

Expand full comment

Who you gonna call the next time you have toilet issues? LOL

Expand full comment

I’ve replaced flusher handles, flappers, supply lines, and the entire tank/bowl thing. My familiarity with all things toilet are beyond anything I ever would have imagined, so I wouldn’t be the worst call. Hahaa!

Expand full comment

Clogbusters!!

Expand full comment

Hah!

Expand full comment

Kim, your comment reminded me about so many things that I had forgotten I used to do!

Expand full comment

It’s amazing what we learn to deal with along the way! I know I’ve left a few things off the list.

Expand full comment

Opportunity is the mother of desperation or something like that ;-)

Expand full comment

Heeee! Well said, Jena!

Expand full comment

*snort* 🤣

Expand full comment

Pretty close to exactly like that!

Expand full comment

Adrenaline is magic ;-)

Expand full comment

Good heavens Kim! How did you learn how to do all that?!

Expand full comment

Hahaa! Mostly, I guess I follow in my mother’s footsteps. (I watched her fix a rotary phone with a shoelace when I was a little kid!) You learn by doing, mostly. Google and YouTube and picking people’s brains are also major contributors. And I take pride in being able to pull this shit off. None of the things I’ve listed are hard. They just require some basic knowledge, the right tools, and common sense. Necessity and lack of funds also play a pivotal role. 😎

Expand full comment

You sound like me. I pretty much have the mindset of "well, the damn wasn't working, so what does it matter if I take a screwdriver, pliers, wrench, or whatever to it? (I am careful to cut the power. I have participated in far too many codes to ever want that done to me, thank you very much. TV has glorified the cardiac shock thing and, trust me, it doesn't work all that often or that well, and even when it does, the recipient is sore as HELL for days after.) If I succeed, fine, if I don't, well, the service people get called anyway.

Expand full comment

LOL that’s the spirit. I confess to not being intimidated by much either. I just haven’t had the kind of practice y’all have had. I’m impressed!

Expand full comment

I’ve hammered more than my share of nails with a rock, boot heel, or meat tenderizer! Anything electrical I always, ALWAYS shut off the main breaker. ⚡️

That said, we just bought a new gas range and we will be calling a plumber to hook it up.

Expand full comment

ha!

Expand full comment

You are a wise, wise woman, Ellen!

Expand full comment

That's just what I was thinking, Jena!

Expand full comment

Holy cow. I’ve done a lot of those things like putting exquisite tile down in my Arizona home , so fulfilling. However I have never replaced a toilet I’m afraid I would mess it up bad!

Expand full comment

I have never laid tile, nor operated a wet saw, so that may well be something I leave to the pros.

Honestly? Toilets are NOT hard. At all. But it does impress the hell out of people when you tell them you fix/replace ‘em yourself. 😂

Expand full comment

🤣🤣🤣

Expand full comment

I do it all myself, too, except for the plumbing, electric and cars. My hubs and I used to do it all, but one of the lovely things about being old and having enough money to get by is paying people to come in to do the heavy lifting. The last time was this past summer when the water line broke outside, under several feet of heavy clay soil. It was worth every penny to pay to get that done.

Expand full comment

I felt the same way when the septic had to be redone. Worth every penny to watch those men work. Go ahead. Dig up my yard. Make mud. I do not care.

Expand full comment

HAR!!!

Expand full comment

Laughing…all that muscle and sweat eh Ellen?

Expand full comment

Hey, my momma didn't raise any stupid children.

Expand full comment

Excellent!

Expand full comment

I pay a fellow human being to give me eyelash extensions. Every two weeks. Btw LOVE your kitchen. It reminds me of Matisses in Giverny!

Expand full comment

Jamie! Thank you! And ya know, I always imagine Matisse with long eyelashes---

taping them up to his forehead so he could paint!

Expand full comment

SNORT. Oddly it does sound like something he would do to get an interesting self portrait.

Expand full comment

Very cool kitchen!

Expand full comment

It IS very cool but I kept looking for the black widow spider she told me lives above the sink.

Expand full comment

That was 14 Brown widows living above my cot in my shed in Montana, Jena

Expand full comment

I know about those but was sure you said there was a black widow making her home above your sink in your current humble abode. Maybe I got it wrong.

Expand full comment

Spiders are good. They eat aphids that chew away on your green plants! Carefully carry all inside spiders out in a tissue, and let them do their job.

Expand full comment

Yes spiders are good!

Expand full comment

O! THANX!

Expand full comment

Just yesterday, had a handyman visit to fix washing machine, kiva thermostat and outer door handle. Turned out he was a very interesting older fellow with unruly long hair and beard who spent time in Haiti, Iran and many other places to help with natural and man-made disasters. He said, "When I hear the cries, I go." Now, I'm headed out the door, which locks again, for a haircut.

Expand full comment

I love that you got to know this Haiti-Iran-Helping genius, Tom!

Expand full comment

My ambition pales in comparison…I let the experts: cut the grass, clean the house, and cook the dinner (thank god for my chef/roommate Jane)

Expand full comment

YOU love to drive on all the roadtrips!!!

Expand full comment

After a quarter-century of elementary school teaching (I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!!!), I no longer needed to live the suburban life on the Isle of Long. Sold the house and car.

I welcomed the extra dinero from NO MORE monthly landscaper, weekly housekeeper, seasonalsprinkler system guy, too often heating/ac guy, highway robber roofer, WTF car maintenance guy, ass crack plumber, ex cop electrician, and former NYC firefighter handyman who wanted cash payment.

Hmmmm, Just think how much I'll save living in a small 1 br in NYC...

In August 2023, after a year- long rental for $5K/month in Peter Cooper Village, NYC, I traded some of my investments for a 1br, Upper East Side co-op. I tip someone for doing something like making me a latte, and I just took another $1K cash outta the bank to tip the all building staff. Since moving in, I have had to hire another plumber, locksmith, handyman, painter, someone to hang my art (i was afraid to fuck up the new paint job), and I just handed over a ton of dough to California Closets to organize all the crap I can't seem to KonMarie outta my life. I hear she's messy now, and doesn't give a shit about it. She's having fun getting dirty with her three kids. Did I digress? Sorry, I live alone and am feeling chatty.

I also pay for someone wonderful to manicure and pedicure me twice monthly. It keeps me from being a nail-biter. Once a month, I pay Ariana for a great facial at the Upper East Side HeyDay.

I think it's a financial wash, but an emotional win for me all around.

Expand full comment

Your life sounds lovely! Elementary school teachers are my heroes. I’ve spent many many happy hours doing author readings at elementary schools and planning mischief and mayhem with the teachers (the good kind). Kids that age are THE best.

Expand full comment

I missed teaching the minute I retired in June 2023, and by September, I found my joy as a volunteer tutor for Literacy Partners of New York. I tutor first graders in a wonderful Harlem public school. I love reading and authors are magical!

Expand full comment

HOW WONDERFUL, LEAH!!!!!!!!

Expand full comment

Oh how wonderful! I wish we were closer I'd love to meet and volunteer with you. Writing and illustration are my happy places and I still dream of doing a podcast with the CritterKin mutts and kids as the hosts of the show - lol. If you are curious, and would like to hear the voices of the dogs, see https://www.dreamingwideawake.org/critterkin

Expand full comment

A lot of kids will remember you fondly many years hence!

Expand full comment

I had four really good elementary school teachers. It's been 60 years since I finished elementary school, and I still remember those teachers very fondly. One of them I befriended in adulthood. We met at Grand Central Station, and despite the fact that the last time I'd seen her I'd been a prepubescent child, it felt like two old friends who hadn't seen each other in a long time finally getting together again and catching up. It was a wonderful reunion.

Alas, she'd been fighting breast cancer for eight years, and she only had two years to live at that point.

There is much that I learned from each of these teachers that I remain grateful for, as well as the very important close relationships I had with them--which fed my interest in what they taught us. More than 60 years have passed, but they truly permanently broadened my horizons.

Expand full comment

I loved reading this.

Expand full comment

Thank you Leah! I loved all four of these teachers, and the learning they gave me. I was lucky my parents sent me to private schools. Monica Feuermann was especially special.

Expand full comment

My daughter is an elementary school teacher (3rd grade). She's in AZ. She loves the vocation and the kids, but don't get her started on her public school district. She's dying to move back here to Northern VA where she grew up and also did her teacher training.

Expand full comment

Yes, the public education system is really problematic. I've been ranting about it for 15 years now and am simply worn out. It won't change until those who profit from how things operate are forced to leave. This is a sore topic for me (sorry about that). Please thank your daughter for me. Third and fourth graders are the ones I wrote my books for and enjoyed spending time with. HUGS!

Expand full comment

I pay for someone to clean our home! Plumbing--always call someone. If I could afford it, I would hire a Vegan chef and someone to load and unload the dishwasher. Oh, I also hate doing laundry.

Expand full comment

How much are you willing to pay to have me Drive over an load your dishwasher, Caroline?

Expand full comment

Hah! We might have a new business.

Expand full comment

My significant other is my Vegan chef. I am blessed

Expand full comment

What a treasure your SO must be.

Expand full comment

I don't mind doing it...it's the putting away I hate.

Expand full comment

Ha! I pay humans for weekly housekeeping, pool upkeep, dog grooming, landscaping (maintenance), and definitely hair and nails. I prefer to do my own grocery shopping but have been known to lean on Instacart. Especially during the pandemic. Also to fly the (commercial) planes im on and service my car. I guess I rely on quite a few, but others rely on me for legal work and, hopefully soon, my first novel.

Expand full comment

You know what would be fun? If you could hire a bunch of macaques to come in and clean the house? 😂

Might not turn out great, but it sure would be fun! 😂

I couldn't really. But my imagination can!

Expand full comment

MY GAWD! THAT IS A MOVIE SCRIPT, Deana!

Expand full comment

𝙰𝙱𝚂𝙾𝙻𝚄𝚃𝙴𝙻𝚈 𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚈𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙸 𝙲𝙰𝙽 𝙶𝙴𝚃 𝙰𝚆𝙰𝚈 𝚆𝙸𝚃𝙷. 🤷‍♀️

Expand full comment

HAR!!!!!!!!!!

Expand full comment

🤣

Expand full comment

Wow! Thanks for that glimpse into your ABSOLUTELY AMAZING place! And Vagina T. Fireball is the best cat name ever!

I hire people to fix my car, clean my bathrooms and kitchen twice a month, and therapists.

Expand full comment

Awwww, thanx, Laura!

Expand full comment

Agree about the name.

Expand full comment

What don't I hire others for? My car--although I did change my spark plugs a couple of years ago, and I may well change them again. And I used to give my car tune ups when you could do that, and I quite enjoyed the way the engine sang afterwards. But I sold that Toyota Corolla (a '79 with 5 on the floor) in 1993, when I bought the brand new Saturn (5 on the floor). The current car, an '08 Civic, also has 5 on the floor, and is my favorite car that I've ever had. Just got the snows on, something I could have done but just didn't want to do. I'd have to get a jack, something my Civic--bought used--did not come with, and I should have made them give me one.

I have changed tires, but I haven't had a flat in probably around 15 years. Once, years ago, driving along, I saw a teenaged girl by the side of the road with a flat. I stopped, told her I could change it for her in around 10-15 minutes, or I could tell her what to do, so that she could do it herself next time, but it might take 30 minutes or more. She chose the latter, and did it quite successfully.

But the furnace, electric stuff, plumbing, getting the house insulated (major improvement not only with smaller heating bills but less outdoor noise coming in), painted, etc. I hire people for that. I do mow my own lawn, and shovel my own snow. But I hire people to cut trees down when that's necessary. And Queen Dressmaker repaired my two 25 year old (now 30 year old) sweaters that my parents had given me. They still look good. And she also fixed one of my sport coats. I've had both pairs of Birkenstocks overhauled probably several times (I think one of those pairs is 40 years old).

Expand full comment

I am loving apartment living as all I have to do is clean, no more maintenance or upkeep. I no longer miss the cost along with the stress. It has freed up so much time & energy to devote to reading, making art and seeing friends.😊

Expand full comment

Me, too! I'm spending a lot more of my money on maintaining myself! It's a lot more fun.

Expand full comment

😜

Expand full comment

Egggzactly!

Expand full comment

Hah! Keep maintaining. You are fabulous.

Expand full comment

I pay people to cut my hair, fix my car, and rotate or change my tires. I may be paying an electrician to install new ceiling lights abs fans because my husband says he will do it but never does.

Expand full comment

I pay for weekly massages from a goddess of bodywork. I pay for weekly cleaning of my apartment and revel in the order and cleanliness after it's done. Once a month or so I spring for a mani/pedi.

Expand full comment

Pay my stylist to give me the smallest appearance of style, every four weeks. I pay a team to change my cars oil and to tell me that it has a "leaky rear axel" along with a faint odor of gasoline vapor. I used to pay a very strong woman to massage my back once I week, but since she moved out of state I no longer pay anyone to touch me 🤣

Expand full comment