Prize Winners! I bring you The Magnificent 8!!....Uh, make that The Tremendous 10!....Pardon me-- The Fabulous 14! My GAWD, somebody stop me! The Sensational 16!!
Old Era E. Jean answered โAsk E. Jeanโ questions in Elle magazine. Old Era E. Jean answered questions on a TV show called Ask E. Jean. Old Era E. Jean answered questions in Ask E. Jean books, four Ask E. Jean TV pilots, and many, many Ask E. Jean segments on The Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS Morning.
New Era E. Jean is ASKING the questions.
And the smartest, liveliest, most amazingly perceptive people (AKA, the Conflab) are answering.
And hereโs proof.
I asked you to write a 81-word memoir. (Impossible, impossible, I know.)
Your response was so stunning, in honor of the winners, I am giving 28% off a yearโs Ask E. Jean subscription.
https://ejeancarroll.substack.com/5ed72f04
Nowโฆ.about the contest.
Your faithful and trusty E. Jean has been pulling out whatโs left of her hair.
The 81-Word Memoirs were, in short, too gorgeous. Too brilliant. Too heartbreaking. Too funny. Too Exhilarating, and too merciless for me to select just eight, as I had promised you. So I chose Ten. But ten would not do. Not do at all. I tried to cut the choices down to fourteen. Please. Forget it. Could not be done. The final winners are sixteen in all.
But as there are only sixteen, this means that some of the most outstanding and powerful memoirs by Sward, Caroline Keener, Ellen Wright, Auntie Beans, Anne Baabson, Miss Ellie NYC, Trish Triumpho, PP, Francine Wolf, Will Ravenel, Tizz, Patty Mooney, MamaCat, Melissa Rossi, Jennifer, Marja Samson, S73, Lisa L. Owen, Kim Broers, Simone Colette, Kim Willardson, Elise Young, Robin and the charming Lorraine Evanoff areโincrediblyโ not in the sixteen.
The Most Memorable Are: in no particular order. Repeat in no special order:
JANIE E
Ice-skated before I walked in Winnipeg. Slit my wrists with rusty pink Lady Bic at 14. Fled fists at home to roach-infested apartment with my best friend at 18. Fought racist neighbors. Hustled at 21 jobs with 60-80-hour workweeks for 35 years. Read with abandon. Parallel-parked in beat up stick shift on steep hills with no fear. Made peace with my dad. Accepted into MFA program at 52 with no confidence and a high school diploma. Found my center.
KATRINA
My life in 10 TV shows or less:
Howdy Doody
The Mickey Mouse Club
Leave it to Beaver
Police Woman
Murphy Brown
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Gilmore Girls
Fleabag
Killing Eve
A Gentleman in Moscow
FITZIFIED
First thing remembered was hearing โwe had to sell our only car BECAUSE you were born.โ Screaming, yelling, physical, sexual abuse until hearing โget your shit, get out.โ Lived with boyfriend, worked full time nights, commuted to high school. Engaged at 18, engaged at 22, engaged at 25, before realizing he was the one. Married, finished graduate school, three children, diagnosed with a terminal illness, outlived prognosis, AND STILL FUCKING FIGHTING! Love has sustained me, through all of the storms. PEACE.
LAURA LIPPMAN
One daughter, two ex-husbands, 29 published books, 30+ awards, three hometowns, two amazing legs, unknown quantity of shoes and books, 65 and I won't say I'm just getting started, but I'm definitely not finished.
TRACY L. THOMPSON
I've always told my kids that it's all about your focus. I could write my true life story in such a way that the reader would think, 'wow, she really had an incredible life.' And I could write my true life story in such a way that the same reader could think, 'wow, she really had a difficult journey. ' And both of these are true. It all depends on where you place your focus.
LINDA HOENIGSBERG
Desired a Leave it to Beaver life. Insteadโฆjuvie at fourteen, kicked out of high school at fifteenโฆmarried at sixteenโฆ son born at seventeen, divorced, of course. Mental hospital at seventeen, gang-raped at eighteen, brotherโs suicide at twenty-four, fatherโs suicide at twenty-eight. Mental illness intensifies. Street life, abuse, divorces, broken neck, and two brain tumors.
Masters degree at 54, psychotherapist by 59. Married wonderful man, am an artist, a mom to three, grandmother to 12, great-grandmother to six. Love my life.
KIM B
In my 18 years leading to 1981, graduated from Excellence in the Eldest Child Arts, followed by degrees in Confidence Earned by the Skin of Burgeoning Sarcasm, Cheek and Sass, and Desperate Determination In the Pursuit of Cool (requiring a HS party lacking parental supervision and my thesis: Front Page News and How to Live It.) 1981 concluded with my capstone project: Hookup with that guy I met months ago at my party.
EPILOGUE: Still with hookup guy, still technically grounded.
DAWN LEVITT
Born poor as an outhouse mouse, with a heart defect and single mother. Abuse โ physical, sexual, emotional. Gifted student, scholarship offers, dropped out and ran away instead. Experienced homelessness, domestic violence, lost a baby. Tied my tubes to avoid bringing another child into my terrible world. Two violent ex-husbands. After a suicide attempt, I was saved by a therapist who cared. Two lucrative careers ended by two separate heart transplants.
Now, physically disabled but mentally okay, married to my true love.
LAURA LA SOTILLE
I was born a naked branch that bent to the positive and whipped and spun gathering all the sweetness of life, I was made of air and delight and certainly mouth-watering. They call me cotton candy.
PATRICE
Despite being Generation Jones and living in interesting times, as a kid, I have made it to my Queenage years. I: was born in Texas, began traveling around the world at two, understood what being Black was when attending a segregated school, graduated 5th in my high school, attended a uni at the last frontier, had a career in the US Navy, drove an aircraft carrier, kicked ass, retired, achieved cronehood and am living my best life, even now.
MICHELLE EROTAS
I was born 4 minutes after the girl who tried to kill me. Our umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. Spent the rest of my life trying to be as close to her as possible. But also be better, prettier, smarter, thinner than her. It didnโt work most of the time. My life isnโt over yet, but this is what it will be. Iโve lost lovers, friends, futures. Itโs been impossible to care about anything else. I love her so much.
AMEE VANDERPOOL
You are your own best friend and the most important relationship you have. Standardized tests are worthless and favor boys. You are responsible for your orgasm and his. Youโre being too hard on yourself. Not eating to fit into a dress ruins the party. Friends will save you. Forgiveness is the key to good health. Always get back up. Struggle is beautiful. You can have it all, just not at the same time. Youโre good enough, in fact, you are spectacular.
JENA BALL
My life is not A life
itโs the abridged version
of every plunge
Iโve taken into twisted, time-bound plots
that spit me out, shouting,
โUnacceptable! Do it again!โ
Rinse and repeat became my mantra,
my absolution playbook,
until lifetimes became soulless solutions
and the burnt-sugar sheets of reality
shattered at my feet
like empty mirrors.
I wonder, will you know me
without these words?
Will you see playdates
In my eyes and hear me whisper,
โThis way - it's only a dream.โ
CAROLINE LEAVITTVILLE
Did you know that morning glories fight through rock to get to light? Start with brutal dad, and adored mentally ill sister. Find love, then fiancรฉ dies right before wedding. Morning Glory Caroline travels the country speaking with psychics to hear hope. Seven years later, I defy odds to have my first baby with my adored second husband. I defy a death sentence illness and live. I defy a writing career crash and rebuild. โPollyanna,โ my family scorned me. Nope, Morning Glory.
GLORIA HORTON-YOUNG
Seven wild decades of insatiable hunger for that perfect poemโan unhinged quest to unravel life's pretzel-like meaningโchasing that magical day when rain's sultry tango ignites euphoric explosions (shouting, "Hotdamn, this is bliss!"), diving in heart pounding, breath gasping; riding dizzying! highs&soul-crushing lows, the sacred&profane seared into my cosmic tattoo; clinging to fleeting ecstasy, resurrecting lost fantasies, weaving them into reality's chaotic tapestry; turning mundane into fabulous; injecting every second with raw, untamed essenceโฆ
CARMEN YAZEJIAN
First home, Coney Island, first kiss in 6th grade, first heard I Want to Hold Your hand at 13, first job at 16, got fired at 16, first (and only) marriage at 40, first child at 40, (yes, pregnant at my wedding), first business at 32, last one at 50, first dog at 70. Lost my man unannounced 3 years ago, turned my life upside down. Miss him every day, but living a good, safe life and feeling so grateful for the beauty in the world.
WHAT?!!! I AM A WINNER?!!!! I NEVER WIN ANYTHING JUST ABOUT!!! OH MY GOD!! Off to eat a whole chocolate bar to celebrate. I love this community!!
Congratulations to all the winners! What a remarkable ragtag crew of lady pirates have amassed around you, E. Jean!
I am proud to be in conversation with all of you.