Hail, darlings! Before I sued Donald Trump, and got fired from Elle, the Ask E. Jean advice column solved five problems a month in the magazine. Now, the personal is political. And just for the Queenhell fun of it, we’re solving dilemmas, poking bad men in the testicles, and cheering one another on!
Timothee Chalamet in Dune
You close your eyes. You imagine you are listening to the audio of the Ask E. Jean newsletter. You could just click the arrow at the top of this newsletter and really listen to the audio version of the Ask E. Jean newsletter, but E. Jean’s voice sounds like she’s fallen down an abandoned cesspool while mushing a team of howling dogs, so you prefer imagining what is going on in the audio and apparently what is going on in the audio is Timothee Chalamet is delivering the famous
Litany Against Fear
the mantra the characters in Dune and Duner repeat to ward off terror. But wait. You may not be listening to the audio, but somehow you suspect that Timothee Chalamet is no where near E. Jean’s cistern, or the dogs would have him spreadeagled against the sump pump. No. You sense . . . . . . you have a very strong sense that the other voice on the audio is a woman. But not just a woman, an extraordinary woman, a tall woman, a beautiful woman. Her aura is so strong, in fact, you don’t even need to click the audio. You can hear the great political activist and actress nominated six times for an Emmy, six times for a Screen Actors Guild, nine times for a Golden Globe, winner of enough statues that if you melted them down you could fill the all potholes of lower Manhattan—yes, you hark the greatest two minutes in recorded history: Debra Messing reading The Fear File.
And, really, now. The list does sound familiar to you—like, come on, isn’t this the list of fears that have been causing Ask E. Jean correspondents to tear their bowels out over lately? But, then, of course, many things sound familiar to you because you read a lot of newsletters. You read the newsletters everyone else is reading,
the newsletters nobody else is reading,
the newsletters you wouldn’t be caught dead reading, but which keep showing up in your inbox,
the newsletters you forgot you subscribed to,
the newsletters you wish you had not subscribed to,
the newsletters on subjects you were once ridiculously crazy about,
the newsletters you read because you’re related to the writer,
the newsletters you promised yourself to read when you have a some time off after Halloween,
the newsletters your enemies forward to you,
the newsletters that hurt your feelings,
The newsletters that you imagine you’ve read, but haven’t,
The newsletters written by writers who get colossal shit-pots of money for writing and you are trying to figure out why,
Newsletters you accidentally read thinking they are other newsletters,
Newsletters written by that dumb ass on Twitter,
Newsletters you read because you’re thinking of writing a newsletter yourself,
Newsletters that are so much like other newsletters that it’s like you’ve already read them,
but now you are reading the Ask E. Jean newsletter, fresh and piping hot out of the E. Jean brain. It’s always full of bizarre letters from people asking all sorts of odd questions, and doing strange things from all kinds of strange motives. And you are surprised to hear Ms. Debra Messing saying something about the Fear File and whispering “I’m afraid of dying alone with my cat,” because E. Jean read something like it on October 15. And—hey! Wait a minute! Ok. Ok. You just checked and it’s the same, exact list. But when E. Jean, who can’t read, reads the list, the fears sound jaunty and like nothing to worry about. And when Debra Messing reads it, the fears sound terrifying and life-threatening; and so you guess the point E. Jean is making is that if you think something is frightening, it is. If you think it’s not frightening, it ain’t.
And now before we get to the intriguing letter sent by a woman who is afraid of her mother, I’d like to remind all subscribers that it is . . .
COCKTAIL TIME!
Day: Saturday! October 30th
Time: 4:30 ET
Dress: Wear a mask
(I will send out the invite Saturday at 2:00pm ET)
And, thank you, Debra Messing!
This magnificent woman trolled Trump all day long before he was thrown off Twitter. Here’s Debra’s exhilarating podcast, The Dissenters, featuring Hillary Clinton, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Ali Wentworth. Here’s Debra’s Twitter and Debra’s Instagram. Starz is developing a new comedy, called “East Wing,” starring Debra, and next spring, Debra’s headed to Broadway with “Birthday Candles!” Get tickets!
And Now…
My Mother’s Stealing My Boyfriends
Dear E. Jean:
I was married once, for a month, chapter closed.
I lived on my own for ten years. But when my parents retired, I moved in with them. The problem I have is that my mother is very coquettish and keeps shamelessly flirting with my boyfriends, even though she's married to my father. Two of my boyfriends developed crushes on her. My husband once pretended he was in bed with her when he was having sex with me. It was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me in my life. I left him.
I can’t afford to get a place of my own right now, so how do I compete with my mother, whom I’m supposed to love? She has a body as good, or better than many models. Men fall all over her because she draws attention to herself, her breasts, her legs. I've asked her not to flirt with my boyfriends when they come over and she gets incensed and insists she doesn't flirt. I'm terrified of bringing my current boyfriend over. It’s probably inevitable that they will meet at some point. So how do I handle that?—Daughter
P.S. I’ve included photos (for your eyes only)
Daughter, My Fluffy Duvet:
Unfortunately, you have sent the photos of one old woman (your mother) to another old woman (your advice columnist) to appraise. This is not a good idea. My judging another woman’s sex appeal is not right. But, as you are suffering, I have examined the photos with keen interest and can tell you that although I think she is lovely, I don’t believe your mother could attract a floor mat if she were standing on it.
However, as I have always maintained that a woman is never too old or too ugly to attract a man, I have concluded that you are bringing home numbskulls. Either, start dating some true-blue, stand up guys, or move out! Leave! Scram! Vamoose! Rent a potting shed, a fishing cabin, a room through Roomster; post an announcement with your church or alumna site and look at Roommates; but please, dear Gawd! Get out! Live your own life! It may be your only chance for happiness.
And if anyone on Earth understands how to deal with a mother-f’er of a mother, it’s the famous Conflab.
The Conflab is where we hash over the questions sent to Ask E. Jean—and where our boisterous community routinely rescues mankind. Today we’re solving the problem of Ms. Daughter, who says her mother is a “shameless” coquette stealing her suitors. It began ten years ago, she says, when her “husband pretended he was in bed with [her mother] during sex.”
One’s family home is usually a retreat from a brutally judgmental world; but Ms. Daughter’s home sounds like a beauty contest on a porn set. And it’s difficult for us to know if the mother is flirting with the daughter’s boyfriends to make her husband jealous, or because the mother wants to compete with the daughter, or if the daughter is imagining it, or if the father is encouraging the mother because he wants the daughter’s boyfriends—or some conflagration of reasons that would melt our faces off.
I suspect the mother is just a big flirt and the daughter needs a life of her own, on her own, and if that’s not it, the Conflab will have to move into her house for a month to figure it out.
Conflabbians! This raises a fascinating situation. We all have mothers. Some of us are mothers. Have you ever coquetted with your daughter’s boyfriends? Or your daughter’s girlfriends? Or your son’s girlfriends, or your son’s boyfriends?
And what do you do if your daughter’s boyfriend flirts with you? Or if you accidentally meet on a hookup app?
And how much do we love Debra Messing!?
AskEeeeJean@gmail.com.
P.S. I don’t know a single thing about finances. But I love your pet photos!
What in Blazing Hell Is this Thing?
Was this email forwarded to you and you are now wondering what the heck it is? Ask E. Jean has been solving snafus since 1993. Now the Conflab is pitching in and we’re the #4 Health Substack in the United States. Click here.
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And here’s the latest update on Carroll v Trump
Thank you to Emily Nussbaum—I stole your Dune and Duner line!
Photo of your advice columnist, Robert Wright; photo of Timothee Chalamet, Legendary Pictures; Whoopie Goldberg, Angela Bassett and Debra Messing, Dia Dipasupil/staff, Getty Images; photo of Debra at the photo of Joshua Matz, E. Jean, and Robbie Kaplan walking into Federal Court: Jefferson Siegle for The New York Times.
My Husband Wanted to Boff My Mom