We will know equality when we don’t have any silly ideas about who should pay. That’s a financial decision, not a gender affirmation. Do as the gays/lesbians do: whoever pays is the one who wants to, who can afford it, and who will not resent the expenditure. Easy.
I hope Ms. Boss receives the gift of pleasure. Who cares who pays? As we’ve learned, life is short - take the joy! And how perfect to have Ms. Kathy Griffin read Ms. Boss’s letter with her one good lung and unquenchable thirst for life. A note to Ms. Kathy Griffin: thank you for not letting us down when we needed you during the horrific years of the ass-in-chief. You came through for us no matter the personal cost. Smooches!
And me. And please tell her as a show of sisterhood, I will, if it is within my abilities, anonymously beat the crap out of a Person of Her Choosing. Just kidding. No I’m not. Am I? I believe a hologram of her holding Trump’s head should be on permanent display at MOMA. Like, when you walk in.
Kathy Griffin is a gift to all women, whether they realize it or not. The ground she bulldozed to make way for literally every female comic today cannot be understated. She’s Madonna with compassion and a sense of humor. She’s Dolly Parton if Dolly spilled her guts about how she REALLY feels about everyone she’s ever met. She’s patriarchal history’s worst fears about redheads personified. She is the Best when she’s her Worst.
1) Get. It. On. In person, via words, or whatever other creative ways y'all come up with to enjoy each other. A woman prioritizing her own pleasure is one of the most radical middle fingers in the air to patriarchy that exists.
2) Pay for it all if you can. This is a testament to your financial station, which maybe you had a hand in attaining? So, why shouldn't you spend your money on what you like? However, money represents power-- who has it, who habitually lays it out, and who expects it to be spent upon them. So, if this is a one-off and you pay, great. If you all continue your in-person mind-blowing assignations and you end up always picking up the tab then there's a power imbalance that you and your Wordy Wonderboy should discuss. But you're not there yet, so just spend it if you've got it. It's not like you can take it with you.
3) My current lover is equally talented with his lusty words, and that is a pleasure not to be underestimated. I like the in-person equally, but it's different. All hail a man that can stimulate your most potent sex organ-- your imagination. May you insist on that from your partners from here on out. As for the who pays? We take turns, without worrying too much about the exact dollars. It's delicious to be treated and it's delicious to treat.
Enjoy your time with your Wordy Wonderboy with no guilt or shame. You are everything the patriarchy fears-- lusty, smart, and in control of your finances. I salute you.
"1) Get. It. On. In person, via words, or whatever other creative ways y'all come up with to enjoy each other. A woman prioritizing her own pleasure is one of the most radical middle fingers in the air to patriarchy that exists."
Oh, goodness! Thank you, E Jean. I am not half as ribald there as I am here. E Jean, you inspire me! But I think we're having meaningful, thought-provoking conversations. Happy to have any or all of you join me over there. The more, the merrier!
About my current lover? Well, yes. He is delicious. He is also super over-obligated (job, farm, single father and primary parent to his daughter), so he doesn't have a lot in-person time to offer. Which actually suits me, honestly. I have historically given myself away too easily, compromised my creative time, for love (and the potential for sex), so less available is better for me right now.
But since we don't get a lot of face time we spend a lot of time messaging back and forth and have discovered a certain talent for getting each other off with words. How do I know? Because I've gotten voice messages sharing the climactic moments, so to speak, of our tales back and forth, which is very, very erotic in my book.
I have become a shameless hussy in my middle years and I'm loving it.
We get messages from birth about the way things "should" be and are obliged to spend much of our adult lives unlearning those assumptions. So of course you felt a twinge of "waitaminute - is this okay?" Of course it's okay; it's more than okay. Your first reaction - feeling like a badass - was an excellent step in the right direction. I hope you have many such moments.
I just have to say…I had a “moment” about 4 years ago walking thru the airport in Atlanta. Coming the other way I caught a guy looking at me…and he was EXACTLY my type. I returned his gaze and our eyes locked about 15 or 20 seconds. It was powerful… the meaning was quite clear. But I had a connecting flight, am married, etc., so I just kept walking. He did the same, so I suspect he was in a similar position.
Many times I have thought “What if”….what if I had talked to him and asked if he could postpone his flight? But I will never know
Conflabbians! We have heard from Boss-Ass Bitch! Here is her message to the Conflab:
"HOLYSHIT AUNTIE E!
Thank you to you, the Conflab and Kathy fucking Griffin for taking the time to read and delve into my letter. I was simply gobsmacked when I received your email, so needed to take a moment to drink it all in (plus the Knicks won in double overtime so the culmination was a personal nirvana) and consider the ever sage advice of the Conflab - I cannot help but Stan.
I appreciate the reality check that ‘desperate‘ was not the most appropriate way to describe how I feel. This is not a true problem - i fully recognize that there are far more serious issues in the world and in the lives of others. To put it differently - I felt rather insecure at the thought that I was paying for company as opposed to someone who wanted to spend time with me for me (whether my looks, sensuality, personality or otherwise). However - whatever the case may be, who really gives a fuck so long as both parties consent.
I also respect the time and intelligence of the Conflab too much to simply send in a letter for the sake of garnering attention or to boast especially when there is so much suffering in the midst of this pancetta amongst other things, so sincere apologies that it may have landed that way. I felt I needed an unbiased opinion of the matter at hand and I am absolutely floored at the responses. Additionally - hotel has been best because Thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to respond to my letter in order for me to garner some more perspective Hmmmm np in. I thoroughly appreciate it!"
NOT to be a wet blanket BUT in the interest of owning and knowing ourselves…
If at some point in this luscious serial conflagration, you find that your interest in him dims (not that I wish it for you), don’t feel you have to keep it up (ha!) just because you started it. Speaking from my own experience and definitely my own issues, if your interest in him flags for real, allow yourself the space and time to figure that out and move on. It’s badass for us to acknowledge and act on our feelings, period, when many of us grew up learning to be accommodating. Just be gracious (if you can) regardless.
Dear BAB: Yes, I said it. You handled this like a BAB. First of all, you have found a man who can converse, eloquently, even when sexting. It's not everyone who can make a woman have an orgasm, just by writing and he has the power! Secondly, he lived up to his words and can, physically, get you there!!! From what I've been reading and hearing, this is becoming a lost art so you are a lucky woman. Thirdly, you have the money and you went for it. Good on you. As long as you know exactly what this is and don't try to make it more than it is (unless he agrees), you will remain a BAB. It's when things are one-sided and how one handles it that makes one a BAB or a PAB.
With the chaps watching porn and thinking that pounding up and down all day is the sexy way to go----a bloke who can thrill a woman with HIS WORDS, by Gawd, woman you are right. It may be becoming a lost art.
I have heard some stories that would make your hair curl!!! So many men know nothing! I saw a woman interview college students, both men and women, about sex. The women knew it all. The men, though??? Yikes! She was asking them about women's reproductive anatomy. Not one knew what a vulva was. She then switched gears and asked them about their own anatomy, e.g. frenulum, glans, vas deferens, etc. They didn't know that either. I can't remember the school but it was quite well known. One girl was standing next to her boyfriend; when he couldn't answer the questions, she broke up with him, ON CAMERA! Can you blame her? I feel sad for both young men and women because this is no way to live.
I had my first sex ed class in 1968, when I was a fourth grader. Granted, it was quite scary, full of medical terms; a nine-year-old can freak when hearing about periods and sex. Had my next one when I was 11 and another one, in junior high. Each one gave more information. My mom was very open about it too. She gave me "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and I did book research on my own. By the time I hit high school, I could talk the talk. What's interesting is you'd think it would be easier now but nope! Depending on the state one lives in, you'll either get it or you won't. In addition, with porn, on-demand, boys get the wrong idea about how it's done. I've seen porn (sailor here so figure the odds that I haven't); it makes me laugh uproariously! But I can make the distinction between real and fake. A kid in eighth grade can't. And if this is how he grows up, good luck with that. There are young women who still engage in Oscar-worthy orgasm faking because they believe that talking to someone who has no knowledge of what to do is useless but still want to save the precious male ego. This is why I say it's in danger of becoming a lost art. The oldest sex manual in the world was written 5,000 years ago, by the Yellow Emperor. Subsequent ones have been written, in different ages of civilizations, temples built to revere sex and yet, here we are, in the 21st century, acting like we know nothing (though there's Laci Green and others, on YouTube who specifically address sex ed). It's sad, really.
Patrice! May the gods bless your mother! May the gods bless "Our Bodies, Ourselves! And as you ARE a god, I will not ask the gods to bless you, but I will thank you for writing this essay on the lost art---and we aren't talkin Da Vinci!
I was very, very lucky to have had Dr Alan Guttmacher his ownself, he of the (still active) Guttmacher Institute, come to our boarding school and give a talk on sex to the senior class. I was already pretty well-versed in anatomy and the like, but he was a dear, a grandfatherly type who had no hesitation in using words like vulva and clitoris and periods, which was something many of my classmates had never heard. Our Bodies, Ourselves came out in my sophomore year of college, when giving birth control information (not anything else, just facts) was illegal in the Commonwealth of MA unless the recipient was legally married. Roundly ignored unless the cops wanted to harass you. Remember Bill Baird? He spoke in front of the chapel on Comm Ave and was arrested. Ah, the good old days.
I am VERY attracted to men with sexy voices and turgid vocabularies! As for paying, you invite someone on a date or trip, you pay if you can. It is sexy AF to spoil your bed-buddy.
My former (emotionally abusive) non-singing husband used to get so perturbed when I indicated how extremely heat inducing I found the singing of men bass singers to be. Whoo - ah dew declare!
Boss-Ass Bitch for real! E. Jean is right- you might only be questioning your boss-assness because of the social conditioning of men being in charge. You make your money and you get to decide how to spend it.. and you surely are spending it on yourself anyways! I’ve been where you are and had zero regrets or bad feelings about it, as long as I always felt safe and had tons of fun! A man who can do all that for you and not be threatened by your boss-ass status is a great fit for those random adventures every once in a while.
Also: I’ve had mad adoration for Kathy Griffin since her early 90’s MTV Comedy segments and Shakes the Clown…she should be Goddess-ized. Like if Cassandra had a wicked sense of wit and humor.
One of the million things I adore about Kathy Griffin, is: she speaks with total honesty, she’ll ALWAYS point out that the emperor has no clothes, but somehow, like, Magically…. She remains and expresses vulnerability at the same time!!!! It’s this gorgeous dichotomy that seems Uniquely Griffin. She is unafraid to shout the truth AND she’s unafraid to reveal her emotions and hurt. She’s All In. I think she’s brave and brilliant and fascinating.
And….she’s one of that TINY, incredible minority (E Jean included) who heard the millennia-old diatribe, of “a woman can be sexy OR funny OR smart, never all of those” and went: “Oh, yeah, you know what? F**K THAT”
Wonders where one can apply to have folks immortalized as goddesses? There must be an application form somewhere. If not, we should start one! Let's make Kathy our first recipient!
SHAME on every last single Liberal in Hollywood for not immediately and emphatically rallying to her defense. Scattering like cowardly, hypocritical, self-protective rats. Art and artistic gestures SHOULD speak for the voiceless, express rage, symbolize social fury. She should have had a goddamn parade in her honor. But even those who should have been her staunchest, most outspoken allies, were like “Oh er um gee I mean, I don’t care for Mr. Trump either but gosh, I don’t condone…I mean…just Went Too Far…”
She should be included in the canon of Ai Weiwei, Andres Serrano, Duchamps. What she did was not just Art but an ultimate act of Democracy. Cause, hello, IN AMERICA WE CAN DO THAT.
I have done this with men (meaning the pay-for-a-hotel dealio). It adds a certain frisson to the proceedings, on top of the unbridled lust, etc. Own your badassness and if this morphs into more or dwindles into less, sounds as if you are equipped to deal with it. Enjoy!!!!
Isn't this delectable? In the middle of the disasters surrounding us, here we are in the Conflab trading stories about pleasures ON TOP of "unbridled lust," and giving Ms Boss the biggest and most wonderful "go ahead" since JodiE Foster got the thumbs up in CONTACT.
THAT is the mystery, Arrest. She KNOWS it's good. She's proud of herself. But she still questions WHY in the back of her mind she thinks of it as a "desperate" move.
This is why I haven't replied. The letter seemed more like a humblebrag than an actual problem.
I mean, seriously ... if *this* is the biggest problem in this person's life? "Argh, I have a great job where I make lots of money and I've met a terrific guy who I'm intellectually and sexually EXTREMELY compatible with, AND we're in the same place in terms of the relationship we want AND it's going exactly how I want it to go AND I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself for taking charge like this AND we watched TV together AND he didn't hog the remote AND I just heard from Pope Francis because apparently you need only three miracles to qualify for sainthood and I'm up to like seven or eight, so Frank wants to know if I'd like to be blessed as maybe some kind of double or triple saint?"
I'm not saying that she didn't have a momentary twinge of gender-construct-oriented self-doubt. Outdated societal expectations can be tough to deal with day after day after day. But overall? If this is actually her life? I think this letter writer should be giving US advice!
Kal, it's refreshing to receive a problem which isn't really a problem, isn't it? It reminds me of the very VERY beautiful women we've heard from over the last couple of decades, who believe they are plain. We tell them over and over and over they are beautiful, and they don't see it. I think the same thing may be a little bit of what's going on here. She's proud of herself, she tells us why she is proud of herself, but when it comes right down to it, she believes her asking him to a hotel and paying for it makes her look "desperate." I get it. She just wants to the Conflab (whom she personally addressed) to TELL her she's not desperate.
Sounds terrific. Not to be a Debby Downer, but unless you really have a ton of money to toss on a boy toy (as opposed to, say, the slots, with a known return/loss ratio) beware of being used just for your money. I sincerely hope this is not the case and you enjoy your boy toy as much as you like, but just … be aware, is all.
Once in a while we get lucky. There is little to analyze here. Its just fun fun fun. Who pays is of 0 importance. Don’t overthink just enjoy this gift.
Should you be so fortunate and I hope you are, it’s so fabulous 40-50 years later to remember these moments.
Have recently escaped to Florence until December. Girlfriends from high school are visiting and we are reminiscing….sometimes about stuff like that.
Some boys are great fun and worthy of remembering. He could be one of them so let yourself enjoy without thinking of anything but the tasty here and now.
Nature is beautiful and perfect. This is what this is a gift from nature. If it morphs into something else that’s a very different kettle of fish and nothing I wrote may apply. I hope you are wise enough to see the difference.
Granny! How wonderful! And how delectable that you and your girlfriends (from high school!) are remembering your glory days!
And thank you for telling Ms Boss to go ahead so that she too, in 50 years, will be able to find herself in Florence (Mars) and reminiscing with HER girlfriends.
We will know equality when we don’t have any silly ideas about who should pay. That’s a financial decision, not a gender affirmation. Do as the gays/lesbians do: whoever pays is the one who wants to, who can afford it, and who will not resent the expenditure. Easy.
Right on, Ellen!
I love it that you’re right there, reading the comments :-))
Are you kidding, Ellen? The comments are the best part!!
Hahahaha couldn't agree more, Auntie E!
I hope Ms. Boss receives the gift of pleasure. Who cares who pays? As we’ve learned, life is short - take the joy! And how perfect to have Ms. Kathy Griffin read Ms. Boss’s letter with her one good lung and unquenchable thirst for life. A note to Ms. Kathy Griffin: thank you for not letting us down when we needed you during the horrific years of the ass-in-chief. You came through for us no matter the personal cost. Smooches!
I will send your wonderful message on to Kathy, Maureena! Thank you!
Add my thanks too pm please.
And me. And please tell her as a show of sisterhood, I will, if it is within my abilities, anonymously beat the crap out of a Person of Her Choosing. Just kidding. No I’m not. Am I? I believe a hologram of her holding Trump’s head should be on permanent display at MOMA. Like, when you walk in.
LOL I love you Daria.
Ditto Girl. Let’s start a Colony.
Kathy Griffin is a gift to all women, whether they realize it or not. The ground she bulldozed to make way for literally every female comic today cannot be understated. She’s Madonna with compassion and a sense of humor. She’s Dolly Parton if Dolly spilled her guts about how she REALLY feels about everyone she’s ever met. She’s patriarchal history’s worst fears about redheads personified. She is the Best when she’s her Worst.
Maybe we could hear HIM read a thank you note for the weekend?
Val! You want to write his thank you note and read it ALOUD? Cuz, woman! I want to put it IN THE NEWSLETTER IMMEDIATELY!!!
I would love to write his thank you note (though I'd prefer he did). Just thinking about it makes me want to pay for a hotel room myself.
Har!
LOL good idea Auntie E. She will do a stunning job.
You dear, lusty, Bad-Ass Bitch,
1) Get. It. On. In person, via words, or whatever other creative ways y'all come up with to enjoy each other. A woman prioritizing her own pleasure is one of the most radical middle fingers in the air to patriarchy that exists.
2) Pay for it all if you can. This is a testament to your financial station, which maybe you had a hand in attaining? So, why shouldn't you spend your money on what you like? However, money represents power-- who has it, who habitually lays it out, and who expects it to be spent upon them. So, if this is a one-off and you pay, great. If you all continue your in-person mind-blowing assignations and you end up always picking up the tab then there's a power imbalance that you and your Wordy Wonderboy should discuss. But you're not there yet, so just spend it if you've got it. It's not like you can take it with you.
3) My current lover is equally talented with his lusty words, and that is a pleasure not to be underestimated. I like the in-person equally, but it's different. All hail a man that can stimulate your most potent sex organ-- your imagination. May you insist on that from your partners from here on out. As for the who pays? We take turns, without worrying too much about the exact dollars. It's delicious to be treated and it's delicious to treat.
Enjoy your time with your Wordy Wonderboy with no guilt or shame. You are everything the patriarchy fears-- lusty, smart, and in control of your finances. I salute you.
There is a reason your spankin new newsletter already hit the Substack Leader Board, Asha!
Confabbers, Asha has a new newsletter:
https://ashasanaker.substack.com/
Asha, your opening graph to Ms Boss is the TITS!
"1) Get. It. On. In person, via words, or whatever other creative ways y'all come up with to enjoy each other. A woman prioritizing her own pleasure is one of the most radical middle fingers in the air to patriarchy that exists."
Here's a lusty one from a few months back: https://ashasanaker.substack.com/p/sht-to-help-you-show-up-april-30
ZOUNDS!
You are NOT AFRAID TO WRITE, WOMAN!!!
What a startling essay, Asha! Now let me go eat my dinner and finish it.
Oh, goodness! Thank you, E Jean. I am not half as ribald there as I am here. E Jean, you inspire me! But I think we're having meaningful, thought-provoking conversations. Happy to have any or all of you join me over there. The more, the merrier!
Oh Asha there is a delicious story there. I want to hear more.
About my current lover? Well, yes. He is delicious. He is also super over-obligated (job, farm, single father and primary parent to his daughter), so he doesn't have a lot in-person time to offer. Which actually suits me, honestly. I have historically given myself away too easily, compromised my creative time, for love (and the potential for sex), so less available is better for me right now.
But since we don't get a lot of face time we spend a lot of time messaging back and forth and have discovered a certain talent for getting each other off with words. How do I know? Because I've gotten voice messages sharing the climactic moments, so to speak, of our tales back and forth, which is very, very erotic in my book.
I have become a shameless hussy in my middle years and I'm loving it.
All hail Shameless Hussies! Ornery Trollops! And Renegade Dirty Legs!!!
Eegads! Not only does your name sound like a Sexy Superhero, you ARE one!
Hahahaha! I’ll let my lover know. 😊
We get messages from birth about the way things "should" be and are obliged to spend much of our adult lives unlearning those assumptions. So of course you felt a twinge of "waitaminute - is this okay?" Of course it's okay; it's more than okay. Your first reaction - feeling like a badass - was an excellent step in the right direction. I hope you have many such moments.
Jill! I always treasure your advice. It is hearty, do-able, smart, and optimistic!
I just have to say…I had a “moment” about 4 years ago walking thru the airport in Atlanta. Coming the other way I caught a guy looking at me…and he was EXACTLY my type. I returned his gaze and our eyes locked about 15 or 20 seconds. It was powerful… the meaning was quite clear. But I had a connecting flight, am married, etc., so I just kept walking. He did the same, so I suspect he was in a similar position.
Many times I have thought “What if”….what if I had talked to him and asked if he could postpone his flight? But I will never know
Wow! Prom!
Tom Robbins has a theory that we can read DNA with a connected glance----that the guy read your DNA and you read the chap's DNA and it was a MATCH.
Two people so well-matched, they were both married, both refused to break their vow, both moved on.
Tom Robbins created my favorite quote in the whole wide world: “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” ❤️❤️❤️
Daria! Coming up in the Ask E. Jean NewsLetter: Tom Robbins reading a question from "a cowgirl!"
(Yes, really.)
SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!! 😳😳😳 (Faints, is revived, faints again)
E JEAN. This is like going back in time to 1989 and hearing, “Hey Daria! Rick Springfield wants to take you to Prom” 😂🥰😂
‘Still Life With Woodpecker’ is like the Emotional version of the Kama Sutra
Sad but true.
Conflabbians! We have heard from Boss-Ass Bitch! Here is her message to the Conflab:
"HOLYSHIT AUNTIE E!
Thank you to you, the Conflab and Kathy fucking Griffin for taking the time to read and delve into my letter. I was simply gobsmacked when I received your email, so needed to take a moment to drink it all in (plus the Knicks won in double overtime so the culmination was a personal nirvana) and consider the ever sage advice of the Conflab - I cannot help but Stan.
I appreciate the reality check that ‘desperate‘ was not the most appropriate way to describe how I feel. This is not a true problem - i fully recognize that there are far more serious issues in the world and in the lives of others. To put it differently - I felt rather insecure at the thought that I was paying for company as opposed to someone who wanted to spend time with me for me (whether my looks, sensuality, personality or otherwise). However - whatever the case may be, who really gives a fuck so long as both parties consent.
I also respect the time and intelligence of the Conflab too much to simply send in a letter for the sake of garnering attention or to boast especially when there is so much suffering in the midst of this pancetta amongst other things, so sincere apologies that it may have landed that way. I felt I needed an unbiased opinion of the matter at hand and I am absolutely floored at the responses. Additionally - hotel has been best because Thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to respond to my letter in order for me to garner some more perspective Hmmmm np in. I thoroughly appreciate it!"
And she just wrote again to say:
This is such a special community - I’m so glad to have found it! Catch you in the knitting circle.
Love,
Ms. Boss
NOT to be a wet blanket BUT in the interest of owning and knowing ourselves…
If at some point in this luscious serial conflagration, you find that your interest in him dims (not that I wish it for you), don’t feel you have to keep it up (ha!) just because you started it. Speaking from my own experience and definitely my own issues, if your interest in him flags for real, allow yourself the space and time to figure that out and move on. It’s badass for us to acknowledge and act on our feelings, period, when many of us grew up learning to be accommodating. Just be gracious (if you can) regardless.
Hope this makes sense.
A thoughtful, lovely, kind way to proceed, Biffles!
Dear BAB: Yes, I said it. You handled this like a BAB. First of all, you have found a man who can converse, eloquently, even when sexting. It's not everyone who can make a woman have an orgasm, just by writing and he has the power! Secondly, he lived up to his words and can, physically, get you there!!! From what I've been reading and hearing, this is becoming a lost art so you are a lucky woman. Thirdly, you have the money and you went for it. Good on you. As long as you know exactly what this is and don't try to make it more than it is (unless he agrees), you will remain a BAB. It's when things are one-sided and how one handles it that makes one a BAB or a PAB.
Patrice! I agree. I agree. I agree.
With the chaps watching porn and thinking that pounding up and down all day is the sexy way to go----a bloke who can thrill a woman with HIS WORDS, by Gawd, woman you are right. It may be becoming a lost art.
I have heard some stories that would make your hair curl!!! So many men know nothing! I saw a woman interview college students, both men and women, about sex. The women knew it all. The men, though??? Yikes! She was asking them about women's reproductive anatomy. Not one knew what a vulva was. She then switched gears and asked them about their own anatomy, e.g. frenulum, glans, vas deferens, etc. They didn't know that either. I can't remember the school but it was quite well known. One girl was standing next to her boyfriend; when he couldn't answer the questions, she broke up with him, ON CAMERA! Can you blame her? I feel sad for both young men and women because this is no way to live.
I had my first sex ed class in 1968, when I was a fourth grader. Granted, it was quite scary, full of medical terms; a nine-year-old can freak when hearing about periods and sex. Had my next one when I was 11 and another one, in junior high. Each one gave more information. My mom was very open about it too. She gave me "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and I did book research on my own. By the time I hit high school, I could talk the talk. What's interesting is you'd think it would be easier now but nope! Depending on the state one lives in, you'll either get it or you won't. In addition, with porn, on-demand, boys get the wrong idea about how it's done. I've seen porn (sailor here so figure the odds that I haven't); it makes me laugh uproariously! But I can make the distinction between real and fake. A kid in eighth grade can't. And if this is how he grows up, good luck with that. There are young women who still engage in Oscar-worthy orgasm faking because they believe that talking to someone who has no knowledge of what to do is useless but still want to save the precious male ego. This is why I say it's in danger of becoming a lost art. The oldest sex manual in the world was written 5,000 years ago, by the Yellow Emperor. Subsequent ones have been written, in different ages of civilizations, temples built to revere sex and yet, here we are, in the 21st century, acting like we know nothing (though there's Laci Green and others, on YouTube who specifically address sex ed). It's sad, really.
Patrice! May the gods bless your mother! May the gods bless "Our Bodies, Ourselves! And as you ARE a god, I will not ask the gods to bless you, but I will thank you for writing this essay on the lost art---and we aren't talkin Da Vinci!
I was very, very lucky to have had Dr Alan Guttmacher his ownself, he of the (still active) Guttmacher Institute, come to our boarding school and give a talk on sex to the senior class. I was already pretty well-versed in anatomy and the like, but he was a dear, a grandfatherly type who had no hesitation in using words like vulva and clitoris and periods, which was something many of my classmates had never heard. Our Bodies, Ourselves came out in my sophomore year of college, when giving birth control information (not anything else, just facts) was illegal in the Commonwealth of MA unless the recipient was legally married. Roundly ignored unless the cops wanted to harass you. Remember Bill Baird? He spoke in front of the chapel on Comm Ave and was arrested. Ah, the good old days.
Agree about that. It's an art that should be taught in school ;-)
Well, YOU are the one with all the wonderful Children's Books and Activities, Jena. Why not write THIS one!
Hahahaha, now THAT is a good idea. Hmmmm....
He has The POWER! Love that.
I am VERY attracted to men with sexy voices and turgid vocabularies! As for paying, you invite someone on a date or trip, you pay if you can. It is sexy AF to spoil your bed-buddy.
Donna! Donna! Hail! A sexy voice. Lord, yes, woman. Alas I can't remember the last time I heard a voice that caused me to quiver.
And P.S. I am here to support Longer's loving your excellent word "turgid."
My grand passion’s voice, that low baritone timbre … those memories
My former (emotionally abusive) non-singing husband used to get so perturbed when I indicated how extremely heat inducing I found the singing of men bass singers to be. Whoo - ah dew declare!
Mercy!!! Mercy!!! Mercy!!!
❤️ use of word “turgid”
What longer said :-)
Boss-Ass Bitch for real! E. Jean is right- you might only be questioning your boss-assness because of the social conditioning of men being in charge. You make your money and you get to decide how to spend it.. and you surely are spending it on yourself anyways! I’ve been where you are and had zero regrets or bad feelings about it, as long as I always felt safe and had tons of fun! A man who can do all that for you and not be threatened by your boss-ass status is a great fit for those random adventures every once in a while.
Precisely, Luciana!!
He's also young so maybe he hasn't gotten that "please me I'm a gift to women" attitude.
. . . YET.
Also: I’ve had mad adoration for Kathy Griffin since her early 90’s MTV Comedy segments and Shakes the Clown…she should be Goddess-ized. Like if Cassandra had a wicked sense of wit and humor.
You nailed it, Daria! Kathy is our Cassandra! She tried to warn us.
But she is the tenderest-hearted Cassandra there ever was! Never lets a pal down!
One of the million things I adore about Kathy Griffin, is: she speaks with total honesty, she’ll ALWAYS point out that the emperor has no clothes, but somehow, like, Magically…. She remains and expresses vulnerability at the same time!!!! It’s this gorgeous dichotomy that seems Uniquely Griffin. She is unafraid to shout the truth AND she’s unafraid to reveal her emotions and hurt. She’s All In. I think she’s brave and brilliant and fascinating.
Agree. She just feels real and like you not only know where you stand with her but could speak from your heart and she would get it.
And….she’s one of that TINY, incredible minority (E Jean included) who heard the millennia-old diatribe, of “a woman can be sexy OR funny OR smart, never all of those” and went: “Oh, yeah, you know what? F**K THAT”
Aw, thanks, Daria.
And Kathy, in particular, suffered greatly from it---she was chastised, hounded, investigated, and lost her job!
Hmmmmm….yes, that doesn’t sound like YOUR situation, AT ALL 😡♥️
Wonders where one can apply to have folks immortalized as goddesses? There must be an application form somewhere. If not, we should start one! Let's make Kathy our first recipient!
SHAME on every last single Liberal in Hollywood for not immediately and emphatically rallying to her defense. Scattering like cowardly, hypocritical, self-protective rats. Art and artistic gestures SHOULD speak for the voiceless, express rage, symbolize social fury. She should have had a goddamn parade in her honor. But even those who should have been her staunchest, most outspoken allies, were like “Oh er um gee I mean, I don’t care for Mr. Trump either but gosh, I don’t condone…I mean…just Went Too Far…”
She should be included in the canon of Ai Weiwei, Andres Serrano, Duchamps. What she did was not just Art but an ultimate act of Democracy. Cause, hello, IN AMERICA WE CAN DO THAT.
Yeah! Wait one, the Chicks, who used to be the Dixie Chicks, are on the other line ....
I have done this with men (meaning the pay-for-a-hotel dealio). It adds a certain frisson to the proceedings, on top of the unbridled lust, etc. Own your badassness and if this morphs into more or dwindles into less, sounds as if you are equipped to deal with it. Enjoy!!!!
Biffles! Hail! And Hello! Hello!
Isn't this delectable? In the middle of the disasters surrounding us, here we are in the Conflab trading stories about pleasures ON TOP of "unbridled lust," and giving Ms Boss the biggest and most wonderful "go ahead" since JodiE Foster got the thumbs up in CONTACT.
Yes! Delighted to be here and LOVE the conflab!
Welcome. We are delighted to have you.
LOL does Jodie know you're sharing her secrets Auntie E?
Right Biffles? There is something quite empowering about paying for not only yourself but your partner as well.
Jena, I have no idea how old you are, but every time I see/read you I have a great wish that you were my daughter/sister/mother 🤣🥰
That’s one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me. Thank you. Let’s be goddesses in training together :-)
I kept reading her letter waiting to hear what the problem is. I don't see any.
THAT is the mystery, Arrest. She KNOWS it's good. She's proud of herself. But she still questions WHY in the back of her mind she thinks of it as a "desperate" move.
We can only hope her guilt makes the sex better.
Arrest! I love it! Such an astute observation. I can't wait to hear Ms. Boss's reply!
Nothing better than hearing about other people's great sex while I'm in year 2 of living like a 14th century monk thanks to TFG. LOL
Don't feel bad...most people lie about sex
Maybe she read "The Rules"
LOL
This is why I haven't replied. The letter seemed more like a humblebrag than an actual problem.
I mean, seriously ... if *this* is the biggest problem in this person's life? "Argh, I have a great job where I make lots of money and I've met a terrific guy who I'm intellectually and sexually EXTREMELY compatible with, AND we're in the same place in terms of the relationship we want AND it's going exactly how I want it to go AND I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself for taking charge like this AND we watched TV together AND he didn't hog the remote AND I just heard from Pope Francis because apparently you need only three miracles to qualify for sainthood and I'm up to like seven or eight, so Frank wants to know if I'd like to be blessed as maybe some kind of double or triple saint?"
I'm not saying that she didn't have a momentary twinge of gender-construct-oriented self-doubt. Outdated societal expectations can be tough to deal with day after day after day. But overall? If this is actually her life? I think this letter writer should be giving US advice!
Kal, it's refreshing to receive a problem which isn't really a problem, isn't it? It reminds me of the very VERY beautiful women we've heard from over the last couple of decades, who believe they are plain. We tell them over and over and over they are beautiful, and they don't see it. I think the same thing may be a little bit of what's going on here. She's proud of herself, she tells us why she is proud of herself, but when it comes right down to it, she believes her asking him to a hotel and paying for it makes her look "desperate." I get it. She just wants to the Conflab (whom she personally addressed) to TELL her she's not desperate.
I suspect you are right Auntie E. The word desperate is the tell. Had she said worried or anxious I might have felt less concerned.
Ms. Jena, Ms. Boss replied with a thank you (see above)! And she does say the word "desperate" was perhaps the wrong word.
Kal----Ms. Boss read your advice and has replied to the Conflab. See her thank you, above!
Perfect response, Kal
Ms. Arrest! Ms. Boss has written to thank the Conflab! See her reply (above) about her problem not being a problem.
Right? I don't get the "desperation" part.
Sounds terrific. Not to be a Debby Downer, but unless you really have a ton of money to toss on a boy toy (as opposed to, say, the slots, with a known return/loss ratio) beware of being used just for your money. I sincerely hope this is not the case and you enjoy your boy toy as much as you like, but just … be aware, is all.
Excellent, Auntie! A word in time.....
Once in a while we get lucky. There is little to analyze here. Its just fun fun fun. Who pays is of 0 importance. Don’t overthink just enjoy this gift.
Should you be so fortunate and I hope you are, it’s so fabulous 40-50 years later to remember these moments.
Have recently escaped to Florence until December. Girlfriends from high school are visiting and we are reminiscing….sometimes about stuff like that.
Some boys are great fun and worthy of remembering. He could be one of them so let yourself enjoy without thinking of anything but the tasty here and now.
Nature is beautiful and perfect. This is what this is a gift from nature. If it morphs into something else that’s a very different kettle of fish and nothing I wrote may apply. I hope you are wise enough to see the difference.
Lucky you!
Brava!
Florence!?
Florence!!!!!!
Granny! How wonderful! And how delectable that you and your girlfriends (from high school!) are remembering your glory days!
And thank you for telling Ms Boss to go ahead so that she too, in 50 years, will be able to find herself in Florence (Mars) and reminiscing with HER girlfriends.
"Don’t overthink just enjoy this gift." Wise and sane advice.
Brava, Kathy Griffin!
Isn't it absolutely wonderful, Longer!?
She is a goddess.
Agree. She radiates chutzpah!
She was spectacular, but her dogs - so hilariously translated by Kathy - stole the show ;-)
Aren't they a riot, Jena? You would know. Your latest book is about a dog!!
Did you see that precious video of the truck driver who stopped to pick up that terrified puppy? I’m still crying. Good people DO exist.
Retweeted it!
Hugs you
Oh my yes. And the thing is I am convinced they know EXACTLY what we are thinking and feeling. Thank goodness for dogs :-)