Why the family/friends? Because in the hours, days, and weeks, after leaving, YOU WILL SECOND-GUESS YOUR DECISION. You’ll think “maybe he was not all that bad”. You’ll feel scared and lonely and miss his companionship. You’ll worry about him and what he’s doing/thinking. YOU NEED PEOPLE TO STEER YOU RIGHT. The average abused woman goes back to her abuser SEVEN TIMES before she either leaves for good, or, the Worst happens. Don’t be in that group. An abuser, upon the realization of losing you, will exert manipulation techniques designed to completely mess with you… things that HAVE BEEN IMPLANTED IN YOUR HEAD ALREADY. Be strong. Trust your sense of self-preservation above All Things.
Moving out and not telling him isn't cowardly. Moving out and not telling him is incredibly brave and *smart*.
Please note: you may need to make sure your trail is well-covered. So in addition to E. Jean's other tips, don't post about the move on social media. In fact, go dark on social media for a while.
And do make sure your friends and family don't post about the move either.
It will be a little scary at first ... but I promise you, YOU WILL BE SO, SO, SO MUCH HAPPIER in a very short while.
A month from now? Your ONLY regret will be that you didn't do it sooner!
M, E Jean has laid out all the right steps. I will simply add this very true and sobering statistic— the majority of women who are killed by their abusers are killed in the act of leaving. Don’t muck about with this. Be silent and strategic, and get the hell out as soon as you can. Leave no trace and no forwarding address. Please.
I have been lucky enough not to have an abuser put his hands on me since I left my parents’ house. I have, however, gotten myself out from under a very emotionally abusive spouse. And even he became more aggressive once I left and he realized I was not willing to submit anymore. He became enraged at not being able to control me anymore, so instead he worked to control the narrative. He talked smack about me on social media and painted himself the victim. He insulted me to our young children. He told the court I was physically abusive, sexually deviant, and likely, due to my history of childhood sexual abuse, to be a danger to our children. It was fucking horrible. But I’d spent nearly 14 years taking the bait. I just stopped. I refused to respond. I refused to be cowed. He did not get any more pieces of me— my emotions, my concern, my deference, or my attention. And eventually it was over and I was free.
I didn’t feel free for a long time, even after I was. It might take you awhile to feel free too, M. But you will. First, get your physical self free with no guilt or remorse. You deserve to be safe. Period. And then you can work, hopefully with some professional support, to feel truly free.
Mar 12, 2022·edited Mar 12, 2022Liked by E. Jean Carroll
One other addition: Contact a women’s shelter and get somebody to be with you when you are moving. Consider going to one of their safe houses for awhile (keep the apartment). Maybe they can put somebody else there fora while, and put you someplace else entirely. Ask. They are pros at making women disappear from bad men.
Tell the police the minute he contacts you even if just by phone, do not respond to calls, texts, emails, or picture postcards. Don’t answer calls from any unknown callers because he could be trying to reach you using somebody else’s phone, or a burner.
Take vacation or medical leave from your work and do not tell them anything else. You can have your mail forwarded to the women’s shelter for pickup, so he won’t be hanging around the Post Office boxes waiting for you to pick up your mail. Our state (MA) has a system where you can get a safe mailing address for banking, paychecks, and other mail so you can’t be traced that way. The secretary of state or the state attorney general’s office can give you more info if they hav3 that where you live.
Another thing to remember us that the most dangerous time is when you leave. Next most dangerous is when you take out the restraining order. It won’t do much to deter him but you will have it on record. Be extra vigilant. I can’t emphasize enough how much help a women’s shelter will be.
Good luck. Let us know how you are. We care. This is not your fault and you will get past this. BTDT.
M, Don't go to that apartment. You'll be BY YOURSELF and that leaves you vulnerable particularly when you are leaving for work, coming home, and sleeping. These guys specialize in finding you when you are alone.
Go to a women's shelter. You'll be protected there. Those places have to have 24/7 security. Somebody is always up. The police know where they are, but the address is never given out. They usually provide counseling, help with finding new jobs, new apartments, group therapy, support, etc. Many will take kids and pets.
Take only what you have to. Get COPIES of pictures you want to keep. If you try to take those pictures, he'll know what you are up to. Leave them. Do not clean out a bank account. More than likely, he already has it flagged and the bank will call him. Same with credit cards. Using a debit card will give him a 'trail' to your door. Leave it there.
Check under the car's hood, fenders, bumper for little black boxes with a flashing light and a short antenna. It might have a short wire to connect to the car's wiring. It's a tracking device. When you go, disconnect it. Get where you are going and have it carefully removed and give it to your attorney. That damn thing is evidence of stalking in every state in the union. You can lock his sorry ass up for quite a while just for that. (If it isn't under the car, check under the dashboard. I can just about guarantee he's using one.)
I've never had this happen to me, sweetie, probably because I trust my animals' opinions more than I trust my own when evaluating mates. I tend to "swoon too soon" as many women do. They, on the other hand, can 'see' ulterior motives nearly instantly. I've had dogs get between me and a prospective suitor. (That was a hard no.) My horse tried to BITE one guy, and he did run away with another one. I know it sounds weird, but the one I married? The cat that attacked everybody else curled up and purred for him. We celebrate our 32nd anniversary this year and never have had an argument. Go figure.
1. You got pets? Get 'em out first time, don't go back later or there may be no pets to go back to (BTDT).
2. Mutual friends or family think YOU are the bad guy? Maybe pissing in your ear, maybe demanding an explanation, maybe saying Oh the poor man?
OK, you got this.
A. Do NOT be swayed.
B. You owe no explanation. NOT to him. Not to them. Noone. If you want, but you don't have to.
C. There'll be some decent folk who've kind of heard you're the bad guy and you might just want to set things straight a bit... Brief and to the point: 'My own wellbeing is just as important as his' and 'It's hard for me to feel sorry for him after the way he treated me." They should get the message.
Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! First you try to break up with him three or four times, returning to him each time after promises and tears after which everything you describe gets worse and worse… make sure you get sent to the hospital once or twice, and add a permanently wonky shoulder just for fun … make sure this sinks your career and blows a several-year hole in your life… then it’s easy, you just scramble out with the clothes on your back and your laptop, change your number, move to San Francisco, live in your sister’s basement for a couple months, then get married and have two babies after the age of 40 just for kicks. Wait, is this advice too specific? You can leave out the shoulder and the babies if you like!
But seriously, If this gal needs a sympathetic ear and a pep talk, slip her my number. She can do this.
GIRL. Be like Katie Holmes with Tom Cruise. Get all your ducks in a row, then disappear. Do you have girlfriends/family that are ABUNDANTLY on your side, and not his? Rally them round. Get. The Fuck. Out.
M, before I write to you. I. just want to cheer for E. Jean. Today has been a very excellent day for her and for women everywhere! I have never smiled so broadly as when I clicked on the save button of the WaPo story which is the most beautiful description of a judge's ruling I've ever read!
Great advice E. Jean. She needs to get out quickly and quietly. She owes him nothing. And the most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving an abuser.
I think the last straw was that he was trying to pet our dog and she was afraid of him, and he picked her up high in the air like he was going to throw her.
A dear old friend told me I had to get my then-husband out. I needed that so badly, and I loved and trusted my friend enough that it gave me the strength to start making a plan. This was in New York, and it was actually my long-term apartment, so I had to change the locks on him. I arranged for the locksmith, and for another friend to be there with me when he got home and I had to tell him through the door what I had done. There were a couple of shared credit cards I couldn’t figure how to secure, and he charged them up on hotels, and one night I got home and he was waiting for me in the hall, I ran in my door and slammed it and he stood out there pounding on the door and screaming at me...went to family court and got a protection order, but it was never served bc by then he was in the first of a series of short-term detoxes and the staff refused to have him served.
It was agonizing but I had spent the previous couple of years crawling out of hell from breast cancer and a bunch of bad medical treatment and hospitalizations and infections, I was still wondering if I’d ever be employable again but was working any job I could get. And I was afraid he would sabotage any progress I made financially, and all attempts to get him to seek help had been for naught.
Months later, he wanted to take me on a holiday to Maine, which was very sweet. But I had to get real and deal with the fact that he could kill us drunk driving, or we could both end up in jail from same. So I had to tell him I couldn’t go on the trip. Which was also awful.
That was some years ago. The next couple couple years after that I kept trying to get him help. He was more willing now. That’s when I found out that there is very little help for serious mental illness. There was a series of hospitalizations, all of which end with them sending the sick person out into the world with a handful of scrips and best wishes.... Amazingly, he survived, and eventually got himself together. We’re very good friends now.
But I look back on that time and in my mind it was never daytime, it was always dark. I got through it bc staying in that one-room apartment with him was no longer an option for my physical safety or sanity, and years later he was able to admit that I had done the right thing.
So sending strength to you, bc I have some idea what you’re dealing with and it sounds like it’s time to get the hell out. It’s lousy, but write down someplace where you can get it out and read it 100 times a day, “Today I will not abandon myself, no matter what.” You have to find your strength and commitment to yourself, and you are on your way.
As to today's letter writer. Don't tell him a damn thing. He will try to stop you. Run. Run as fast as you fucking can. Do not look back. Do not do a damn thing involving him except a restraining order! Trust me. BTDT and I know.
M. I was raised as a Catholic and while not devoutly religious there were two things culturally acceptable when it came to romantic relationships: Don't disgrace the family by "living in sin," and "you make that bed, you lie in it." That first bit made me think it was a great idea to marry my boyfriend of two years so he could move across the country to where I was in graduate school. The second bit was the advice my mother gave me after he put my head through a window and beat me so severely I had to drink my food through a straw for a week.
Looking back, I can remember how some of my family normalized the relationship. And not just them -it was also the police who recommended we just go to court instead of jailing him. I remember rationalizing it myself, and thought that if I just did and said and felt the right things I could fix it. Part of that was also shame. I didn't see myself as the "kind of woman" to be in an abusive relationship. Part of it was my own vanity. Thinking that somehow MY love was omnipotent. That it could be different with ME.
It took me two years to get out. He never beat me after that first time. Maybe it's because he was on probation. Maybe it was because I took up boxing. Maybe it's because I began to see the calm before the storm and get out so he could take it out on the walls and our furniture instead.
When I did get clear of him two things were just glaring. First, there were friends who trusted that I would find my way out, never shaming me or guilting me about my choices yet so relieved that I made it out. These were the people who never called me stupid but let me tell what I could and asked if they could help, and what I wanted or needed.
Secondly, I was shocked in hindsight on how bad I had let things get. How none of that was normal and how so many of us live that kind of lie. It never starts that way does it. When you first jump in the water is warm. It's hard to recall exactly when it started getting to the boiling point and the next thing you know....
E Jean, just finished reading the decision. Basically, go back to your corner, suck your thumbs, and shut the effing hell up because I do not want to hear this bullshit anymore! It never pays to irritate your judge. Outright pissing one off is just plain stupid. Setting yourself up for a 23-page bench slap is nothing short of an epic put-down. I salute His Honor and congratulate you and your team!
Why the family/friends? Because in the hours, days, and weeks, after leaving, YOU WILL SECOND-GUESS YOUR DECISION. You’ll think “maybe he was not all that bad”. You’ll feel scared and lonely and miss his companionship. You’ll worry about him and what he’s doing/thinking. YOU NEED PEOPLE TO STEER YOU RIGHT. The average abused woman goes back to her abuser SEVEN TIMES before she either leaves for good, or, the Worst happens. Don’t be in that group. An abuser, upon the realization of losing you, will exert manipulation techniques designed to completely mess with you… things that HAVE BEEN IMPLANTED IN YOUR HEAD ALREADY. Be strong. Trust your sense of self-preservation above All Things.
M, listen to E. Jean.
Moving out and not telling him isn't cowardly. Moving out and not telling him is incredibly brave and *smart*.
Please note: you may need to make sure your trail is well-covered. So in addition to E. Jean's other tips, don't post about the move on social media. In fact, go dark on social media for a while.
And do make sure your friends and family don't post about the move either.
It will be a little scary at first ... but I promise you, YOU WILL BE SO, SO, SO MUCH HAPPIER in a very short while.
A month from now? Your ONLY regret will be that you didn't do it sooner!
M, E Jean has laid out all the right steps. I will simply add this very true and sobering statistic— the majority of women who are killed by their abusers are killed in the act of leaving. Don’t muck about with this. Be silent and strategic, and get the hell out as soon as you can. Leave no trace and no forwarding address. Please.
I have been lucky enough not to have an abuser put his hands on me since I left my parents’ house. I have, however, gotten myself out from under a very emotionally abusive spouse. And even he became more aggressive once I left and he realized I was not willing to submit anymore. He became enraged at not being able to control me anymore, so instead he worked to control the narrative. He talked smack about me on social media and painted himself the victim. He insulted me to our young children. He told the court I was physically abusive, sexually deviant, and likely, due to my history of childhood sexual abuse, to be a danger to our children. It was fucking horrible. But I’d spent nearly 14 years taking the bait. I just stopped. I refused to respond. I refused to be cowed. He did not get any more pieces of me— my emotions, my concern, my deference, or my attention. And eventually it was over and I was free.
I didn’t feel free for a long time, even after I was. It might take you awhile to feel free too, M. But you will. First, get your physical self free with no guilt or remorse. You deserve to be safe. Period. And then you can work, hopefully with some professional support, to feel truly free.
One other addition: Contact a women’s shelter and get somebody to be with you when you are moving. Consider going to one of their safe houses for awhile (keep the apartment). Maybe they can put somebody else there fora while, and put you someplace else entirely. Ask. They are pros at making women disappear from bad men.
Tell the police the minute he contacts you even if just by phone, do not respond to calls, texts, emails, or picture postcards. Don’t answer calls from any unknown callers because he could be trying to reach you using somebody else’s phone, or a burner.
Take vacation or medical leave from your work and do not tell them anything else. You can have your mail forwarded to the women’s shelter for pickup, so he won’t be hanging around the Post Office boxes waiting for you to pick up your mail. Our state (MA) has a system where you can get a safe mailing address for banking, paychecks, and other mail so you can’t be traced that way. The secretary of state or the state attorney general’s office can give you more info if they hav3 that where you live.
Another thing to remember us that the most dangerous time is when you leave. Next most dangerous is when you take out the restraining order. It won’t do much to deter him but you will have it on record. Be extra vigilant. I can’t emphasize enough how much help a women’s shelter will be.
Good luck. Let us know how you are. We care. This is not your fault and you will get past this. BTDT.
Mine is a little different.
M, Don't go to that apartment. You'll be BY YOURSELF and that leaves you vulnerable particularly when you are leaving for work, coming home, and sleeping. These guys specialize in finding you when you are alone.
Go to a women's shelter. You'll be protected there. Those places have to have 24/7 security. Somebody is always up. The police know where they are, but the address is never given out. They usually provide counseling, help with finding new jobs, new apartments, group therapy, support, etc. Many will take kids and pets.
Take only what you have to. Get COPIES of pictures you want to keep. If you try to take those pictures, he'll know what you are up to. Leave them. Do not clean out a bank account. More than likely, he already has it flagged and the bank will call him. Same with credit cards. Using a debit card will give him a 'trail' to your door. Leave it there.
Check under the car's hood, fenders, bumper for little black boxes with a flashing light and a short antenna. It might have a short wire to connect to the car's wiring. It's a tracking device. When you go, disconnect it. Get where you are going and have it carefully removed and give it to your attorney. That damn thing is evidence of stalking in every state in the union. You can lock his sorry ass up for quite a while just for that. (If it isn't under the car, check under the dashboard. I can just about guarantee he's using one.)
I've never had this happen to me, sweetie, probably because I trust my animals' opinions more than I trust my own when evaluating mates. I tend to "swoon too soon" as many women do. They, on the other hand, can 'see' ulterior motives nearly instantly. I've had dogs get between me and a prospective suitor. (That was a hard no.) My horse tried to BITE one guy, and he did run away with another one. I know it sounds weird, but the one I married? The cat that attacked everybody else curled up and purred for him. We celebrate our 32nd anniversary this year and never have had an argument. Go figure.
I second everything here. Two more things to add.
1. You got pets? Get 'em out first time, don't go back later or there may be no pets to go back to (BTDT).
2. Mutual friends or family think YOU are the bad guy? Maybe pissing in your ear, maybe demanding an explanation, maybe saying Oh the poor man?
OK, you got this.
A. Do NOT be swayed.
B. You owe no explanation. NOT to him. Not to them. Noone. If you want, but you don't have to.
C. There'll be some decent folk who've kind of heard you're the bad guy and you might just want to set things straight a bit... Brief and to the point: 'My own wellbeing is just as important as his' and 'It's hard for me to feel sorry for him after the way he treated me." They should get the message.
Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! First you try to break up with him three or four times, returning to him each time after promises and tears after which everything you describe gets worse and worse… make sure you get sent to the hospital once or twice, and add a permanently wonky shoulder just for fun … make sure this sinks your career and blows a several-year hole in your life… then it’s easy, you just scramble out with the clothes on your back and your laptop, change your number, move to San Francisco, live in your sister’s basement for a couple months, then get married and have two babies after the age of 40 just for kicks. Wait, is this advice too specific? You can leave out the shoulder and the babies if you like!
But seriously, If this gal needs a sympathetic ear and a pep talk, slip her my number. She can do this.
GIRL. Be like Katie Holmes with Tom Cruise. Get all your ducks in a row, then disappear. Do you have girlfriends/family that are ABUNDANTLY on your side, and not his? Rally them round. Get. The Fuck. Out.
M, before I write to you. I. just want to cheer for E. Jean. Today has been a very excellent day for her and for women everywhere! I have never smiled so broadly as when I clicked on the save button of the WaPo story which is the most beautiful description of a judge's ruling I've ever read!
Great advice E. Jean. She needs to get out quickly and quietly. She owes him nothing. And the most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving an abuser.
I think the last straw was that he was trying to pet our dog and she was afraid of him, and he picked her up high in the air like he was going to throw her.
A dear old friend told me I had to get my then-husband out. I needed that so badly, and I loved and trusted my friend enough that it gave me the strength to start making a plan. This was in New York, and it was actually my long-term apartment, so I had to change the locks on him. I arranged for the locksmith, and for another friend to be there with me when he got home and I had to tell him through the door what I had done. There were a couple of shared credit cards I couldn’t figure how to secure, and he charged them up on hotels, and one night I got home and he was waiting for me in the hall, I ran in my door and slammed it and he stood out there pounding on the door and screaming at me...went to family court and got a protection order, but it was never served bc by then he was in the first of a series of short-term detoxes and the staff refused to have him served.
It was agonizing but I had spent the previous couple of years crawling out of hell from breast cancer and a bunch of bad medical treatment and hospitalizations and infections, I was still wondering if I’d ever be employable again but was working any job I could get. And I was afraid he would sabotage any progress I made financially, and all attempts to get him to seek help had been for naught.
Months later, he wanted to take me on a holiday to Maine, which was very sweet. But I had to get real and deal with the fact that he could kill us drunk driving, or we could both end up in jail from same. So I had to tell him I couldn’t go on the trip. Which was also awful.
That was some years ago. The next couple couple years after that I kept trying to get him help. He was more willing now. That’s when I found out that there is very little help for serious mental illness. There was a series of hospitalizations, all of which end with them sending the sick person out into the world with a handful of scrips and best wishes.... Amazingly, he survived, and eventually got himself together. We’re very good friends now.
But I look back on that time and in my mind it was never daytime, it was always dark. I got through it bc staying in that one-room apartment with him was no longer an option for my physical safety or sanity, and years later he was able to admit that I had done the right thing.
So sending strength to you, bc I have some idea what you’re dealing with and it sounds like it’s time to get the hell out. It’s lousy, but write down someplace where you can get it out and read it 100 times a day, “Today I will not abandon myself, no matter what.” You have to find your strength and commitment to yourself, and you are on your way.
HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!!!!!!
As to today's letter writer. Don't tell him a damn thing. He will try to stop you. Run. Run as fast as you fucking can. Do not look back. Do not do a damn thing involving him except a restraining order! Trust me. BTDT and I know.
By the way, I think my favorite comment I saw about the defamation suit was this: "She's got the goods on Mar-a-Lardass. Proceed."
M. I was raised as a Catholic and while not devoutly religious there were two things culturally acceptable when it came to romantic relationships: Don't disgrace the family by "living in sin," and "you make that bed, you lie in it." That first bit made me think it was a great idea to marry my boyfriend of two years so he could move across the country to where I was in graduate school. The second bit was the advice my mother gave me after he put my head through a window and beat me so severely I had to drink my food through a straw for a week.
Looking back, I can remember how some of my family normalized the relationship. And not just them -it was also the police who recommended we just go to court instead of jailing him. I remember rationalizing it myself, and thought that if I just did and said and felt the right things I could fix it. Part of that was also shame. I didn't see myself as the "kind of woman" to be in an abusive relationship. Part of it was my own vanity. Thinking that somehow MY love was omnipotent. That it could be different with ME.
It took me two years to get out. He never beat me after that first time. Maybe it's because he was on probation. Maybe it was because I took up boxing. Maybe it's because I began to see the calm before the storm and get out so he could take it out on the walls and our furniture instead.
When I did get clear of him two things were just glaring. First, there were friends who trusted that I would find my way out, never shaming me or guilting me about my choices yet so relieved that I made it out. These were the people who never called me stupid but let me tell what I could and asked if they could help, and what I wanted or needed.
Secondly, I was shocked in hindsight on how bad I had let things get. How none of that was normal and how so many of us live that kind of lie. It never starts that way does it. When you first jump in the water is warm. It's hard to recall exactly when it started getting to the boiling point and the next thing you know....
Follow the advice of experienced women. Move out, don't tell him, protect yourself.
E Jean, just finished reading the decision. Basically, go back to your corner, suck your thumbs, and shut the effing hell up because I do not want to hear this bullshit anymore! It never pays to irritate your judge. Outright pissing one off is just plain stupid. Setting yourself up for a 23-page bench slap is nothing short of an epic put-down. I salute His Honor and congratulate you and your team!