The women of America just won a major decision in Federal Court!

All of us don’t have to be afraid to speak up, to protest against mistreatment, abuse, or worse. And didn’t we already know—three weeks ago!—that the best civil rights attorney in the world—Robbie Kaplan—didn’t we know that her arguments were dazzling? To review her brilliance, click here.

And now, the question is: What do you wear to read the judge’s scorching decision?

One suggestion: Do you by any chance happen to own a fire-retardant jumpsuit, as modeled here by an Indy 500 pit crew?

If not, perhaps you can just run outside and stand behind a cement barrier as you read the judge’s blasting of Trump and his lawyers:

Federal Judge's Decision In Carroll V

623KB ∙ PDF File

Download

Download

Of course, while all this winning is going on, the DOJ is still appealing my defamation suit in the United States Court of Appeals. (You might have already listened to the great Joshua Matz arguing why the DOJ should butt out.)

But never mind. My glorious plan for this column was to write 79 more paragraphs basking in our victory and quote from 11 or 12 of my favorite news stories, like this one in theWashington Post, and then run 593 tweets like:

Trisha Greenhalgh #IStandWithUkraine 🇺🇦 @trishgreenhalgh

@ejeancarroll @grantstern @kaplanrobbie @JoshuaMatz8

Leslie Jones Nbc GIF by Saturday Night Live

Xeni 🌻🇺🇦 @xeni

@AirwolfBonds @ejeancarroll YESSSSSSS

Beatrice Venders @BeatriceVenders

@ejeancarroll @kaplanrobbie @JoshuaMatz8

Share

But, Reader, I can’t do it, because…

…I have a letter here which badly needs our attention. Like many cries for help, it’s so short, it doesn’t stop to give details. It only asks for our…

Help! E. Jean:

I have been with this guy for four years. I used to love him but throughout our relationship he has abused me quite a few times. He thinks that everything is okay. I found a new apartment but not sure how to tell him that I’m leaving. He scares me! I’m not sure how he’s going to react. Should I tell him I’m leaving? Or should I sneak out and not tell him at all?

Please help me.

Thank you, M

My Dear Maltreated M:

I don’t need to know precisely what you mean by “abused.” You may mean he hit you so hard he dislocated your jaw, or broke your nose, or knocked your teeth out. You may mean something more intangible–like his slowly grinding your face in the dirt with an uninterrupted multitude of little slights, lies, jeers, slams, shoves, hits, gaslights and coercions.

You do say it happened “quite a few times.” You do say that you are “scared?” And those two sentences tell me everything

As you’ve already secured a new apartment, and, as you can’t decide to tell him or not, I will decide for you. I emailed you the plan yesterday. Now I am asking the Conflab to weigh in and improve upon it.

The Great Escape, in 13 Easy Steps

Do not tell him.
Do not trust him.
Do not trust his friends.
Do not trust his family.
He may be tracking your phone. Get a burner phone immediately!
Do not tell anyone, including your building’s co-op board or the super, that you are leaving.
Secure your credit cards, bank accounts, your stocks, bonds, birth certificates, and all important papers. etc.
If you’ve told your family or friends that you are leaving, tell them RIGHT NOW not to disclose it, and under no circumstances reveal where you are going.
Do not tell people at work you are moving. You can tell them later.
When he is away from your current premises (and you know for certain he’s at work, or some specific place) pack up everything important and GET THE HELL OUT. Leave the bullshit. Do not return. Do not leave a note.
If he finds you (and, eventually—because he’ll shake down your friends, your sisters, your mother, your former boss—he WILL find you), when he knocks on your new door or shows up at your work with a frickin’ bouquet of $4.99 supermarket roses and comes a-beggin’ and cryin’ and sobbin’ and promisin’ to reform— Do not open the door. Do not speak to him. If he threatens you, call the police.
Stick to your guns.
Let us know how you’re doing!
Good luck, Ms. M!

And now… let’s improve that plan by turning to the Conflab

The Conflab is where we hash over the questions sent to Ask E. Jean—and where our roisterous community routinely saves mankind. And much as I’d love to run around dancing with the dog, laughing with the neighbors and shouting Huzzah! with my friends, much as I’m looking forward to a glass of Champagne so I can toast our victory over Trump with every woman in the country—I won’t really be happy until Ms. M has a good exit plan.

So I leave it to you, dearest Conflabbians, what’s the best way to get out of an abusive relationship? We’ve all had ‘em, and I expect Ms. M can benefit from a few good stories.

How did you do it?

Did he/she track you down?

Did you ever lose your nerve and go back?

And when a lover who’s socked you, or stolen your money, or said you were stupid shows up with supermarket roses, shouldn’t those flowers come with a restraining order?

Leave a comment

Share

And . . . as there are literally 382.3 million people in America without a subscription to Ask E. Jean, if you happen to be one of these people, click the link below:

Subscribe now

In Case You’re on the Substack App and Flummoxed How the Heck to Subscribe…..Click Here.

Ask E. Jean

HALLELUJAH!