Which One of You Bitches Is the Real E. Jean?

E. Jean Carroll

Jul 16, 2025

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Amiable and Beauteous Reader!

I understand your itching need to read about me every single minute of the day.

But the blizzard of “magical,” “classic,” and “nuanced” E. Jean Carroll biographies offered for sale on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, eBay, etc., etc., would cause the most zealous book lover to throw up her manicured hands in frenzied despair.

So, let me help you find your next biography of me.

Paperback $10. 140 pages.

You may retire for the rest of your life knowing you have read the best biography of me ever written by Miss Lena Westfield. It is not in my power to quote from it, however, as it has not yet arrived. This is due to the fuss my publisher St. Martin’s is making over Miss Lena Westfield stealing all the reviews of my book, Not My Type: One Woman vs. A President, and plastering them all over her Amazon book page, but let’s not quibble. If the writing is half as good as my hair style on its cover, this biography of me is in the running for a Pulitzer.

And speaking of the cover . . . Miss Westfield, following Coco Chanel’s advice—— “before leaving the house, look in the mirror, and take one thing off”—— has removed one of the L’s from Carroll. So chic!

Audio book/ podcast available on Amazon/Audible. Four episodes. Free.

Iconic. That is all I can say, my Luvs. ICONIC!

Whoever (or should I say whatever is reading this aloud, eh?) is a ringmaster in the circus of my life. I could only listen to a minute or so because all the facts were fucked up, but as I like playing jokes on humanity, this is a good one.

I’m sorry, I can’t take my eyes off my own bosom.

$4.99 ebook

This gripping, incandescent biography—adorned with the only known photo of me praying to the AI gods and asking them to please stop generating images of me looking like a man who is trying to look like a woman who is not his type on the cover of a book ripping off Not My Type—is not to be missed! Never before has ChatGPT’s circuitry blazed with such pain and rage!

I don’t remember how much this biography of me costs, but it is 48 pages . . .

. . . and features a final chapter called “Lessons to Learn from Her Biography.” Naturally, I was eager to learn what a biography of me had to teach me about being me, and what a biography of me had to teach me about being me was to “accept myself as I am no matter what.”

And to….(I kid you not) “share my story.”

40 pages, printed in Middletown, Delaware.

I recommend this biography of me because it contains a penultimate chapter called “Notes.” If you like your biographies bracing and unvarnished, this chapter is for you as it will consist of nothing but what you write yourself on these handsome blank pages.

Actually, now that I think of it, Chapter One is pretty good too. I’m not saying it will come close to matching the eloquence, wit, paradox and cathartic majesty of your notes, but in Chapter One, I win Miss America and give birth to a son and name him Jonathan, so, really, come on.

50 pages. Wins award for “most wrenching and skillful use of white space.”

This biography’s thrilling opening lines, “Born Mary E. Simons on December 12, 1943, in Detroit, Michigan, Carroll grew up…….” etc., etc. heralds one of the rip-roaringest tales of sex, wealth, and adventure ever written by an AI system eating up more electricity that the entire state of Michigan drains in a day.

I’ve never met this woman. I have no idea who she is.

✼

So, there you go, my luvs:

I don’t know how many biographies of me have been written, something like seventy or eighty. Perhaps ninety. It’s impossible to keep track because as two disappear from Amazon, one pops up somewhere else . . .