The Good-Bye Guy

Reader! O Flower and Paragon of Advice!

Here’s a letter from a nice chap who can’t quite figure out how to leave his lover…..

Dear E. Jean

I just heard about your advice column. I read Substack and a story about you arrived in my email inbox with a glowing review. So, here I am—a man in a challenging predicament, wanting advice.

I don't know much about you, but I feel good about trusting you, so here's my story: I've been dating a woman for about nine months now. It's been beautiful. There's been tenderness, intimacy, honesty, and trust. We've grown together, and challenged each other—it's been truly great. Though, I'm saddened to say that it's time for this relationship to end.

There have been some things I've been overlooking since the beginning. For one thing, despite all the rest, I've never felt myself feeling particularly attracted to her physically. I’m aware this is petty of me. Though, over time, even knowing that beauty is not skin deep, I can’t change this feeling. I see that she is beautiful, and yet my body is not physically attracted to her the way I have been to others in the past. As time passes, I'm finding myself missing out on passionate attraction. But that's not all.

As well, there are intractable religious differences between us. She is a member of the LDS Church—a Mormon. I am not a member of any traditional religious system, though spirituality is very important to me. I meditate and pray daily, I make regular sojourns to wild landscapes for spiritual connection, I fast monthly, etc... I say this only to indicate that spirituality is indeed a central taproot of my life. Yet, my spirituality and her spirituality seem completely incompatible. I've read about a third of her most sacred text and I very much dislike it. I have explored more about the LDS Church and have only found my aversion to it increasing. Where I had thought we could overcome these differences, I see now that I cannot be life partners with someone who devotes herself to a Church I so vehemently disagree with.

Anyway, these are the facts of the matter. There is much tenderness, care, and love underneath this all—but these are the facts I had overlooked in the beginning of our relationship that have only seemed to increase in magnitude since then. So, I'm realizing I need to break up with this person. What I'm here writing to you about and asking advice on is how.

How do I break up with this person in a way that is honest, heartfelt, honoring, and kind?

Previous break ups I've done have often ended poorly. There are hurt feelings, resentments, and sometimes even bitterness. Perhaps there are ways this is unavoidable, but I would like to avoid this however possible.

Despite the differences, I love this person. Yet, I'm sure she'll want to know why I'm ending the relationship. How do I respond to these questions? I know she has body image issues already, so I feel that sharing anything about the physical attraction piece could be deeply wounding for her. As well, we've talked about the religious differences before and she seems quite convinced that it's not actually a problem. Maybe the minutia isn't important. Maybe the details are irrelevant. Maybe I'm even divulging too much here. Here's the question I have for you if you can offer any insight:

How do I end this pair-bond relationship without causing undue harm? How do I continue to honor and love this person even as I sever this relationship? How do I remain honest without inflicting unnecessary wounds?

I realize these may not have clear-cut answers, but I would love any perspective on this. Thank you. —First Time Reader

My Fond Fellow:

Come on! You seem to picture your lover’s reaction to your wanting to break up like ⬇️

When I’m picturing this ⬇️

and this

And this

Because, Dear Chap, who’s to say that breaking up with her won’t be the best thing that ever happened to her in her life?

So I’m gonna tell you the #1 KINDEST, best, smartest way to break up, but first . . .

Go pour yourself a refreshing drink, Mr. First Time Reader, order a pizza, find a comfortable position on the sofa, and by the time the delivery woman arrives, the Conflab and I will have given you several excellent ideas.

Note: What’s the Conflab? It’s the colossally brilliant braintrust of Ask E. Jean commenters—the wise men and women who spur the timid, guide the reckless, spank the cruel, flog the treacherous, flatten the braggarts, and flagellate the assholes.

And as you are a decent chap who’s putting himself through more agony thinking about breaking up, than your lover may feel when you do break-up, I think we can help. Read on:

How To Dash the Hopes and Dreams, But Not Totally Annihilate, a Good Woman Who Will End Up Hating You Anyway.