My Mom Counts My Calories

And compares me to skinny actresses

On January 1st, in This Year of Our Lard, 2022, millions of people made a resolution to lose weight. They downloaded apps, took photos of their food, slept in 31 degree bedrooms, peddled, sparred, kicked, planked, lunged, lifted, swam, squatted, stair-mastered and fasted. They tried the keto diet, the vegan diet, the Paleo diet, the no-carbs diet and the all-carbs diet, and, yet today, most of those determined dieters have plateaued or even gained back the weight they lost the first two weeks of their deprivations.

Take heart, Reader!

All can still be lost!

Just as scientists have lately discovered that our bodies adjust and burn about the same number of calories whether we’re skiing or sewing on the sofa, I have lately discovered a morbidly amazing method of weight loss! Yes! Just follow these easy directions, and, by this time tomorrow—or next Monday, at the latest—you will be lean as a lettuce leaf.

“E. Jean!” you shout. “You’re crazy!”

Ha! Crazy like a foxtrot. I have simply discovered that Donald J.Trump holds the most-treasured Secret of the Universe. It’s such a grand secret, yet so do-able, so painless, so easy, I may go back through the Ask E. Jean archives, plus all of last year’s letters, and send this new diet to every single person who’s ever written to me with a weight “problem”—this correspondent, for instance:

Dear E. Jean:

Sure, I wish I looked like Emma Stone. And, of course, I could lose a few pounds; but my mother actually goes through Instagram and texts me all the people (Kendall Jenner, Gigi Hadid, Cara Delevingne) who are thinner than I am.

Worse, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am currently living with my parents. So not only is my mother texting me photos while I’m at work, it means when I’m home, whenever she sees me eating anything, she tells me how many calories are in it. I desperately want to please her and keep us all happy, but now she’s bought me a “food diary” and has asked me to write down “everything” I eat.

I am 5’7” and 150 pounds, have tons of friends, a cool job, and a wonderful boyfriend; but she is really starting to make me dislike myself. —Hungry for Mom’s Approval

Hungry For, My Honey:

Next time she sends you a picture, text her back:

“Aw, mom, thank you! How sweet! Another shot of Kendall Jenner! And, WOW!!!!! I can still see how Kendall is really really really really thinner than me!

P.S. Here’s a photo of Halle Berry. She’s younger than you.

And listen, Ms. Hungry, before we get to the Donald J. Trump 2-Minute Fat Loss Program, just let me say, you don’t need to lose weight. You are at a perfect weight. And if you want me to explain to your mother why being 5’7” and 150 pounds is the perfect weight and why her hounding you about your body is morally bankrupt, ask that dingbat to call me: ‪(845) 682-0881.‬

Because the person with the weight problem here is not you—it’s your mother.

So, tonight, when she tries to tell you the number of calories in your Beyond Burger, say: “Ma, darling, put a sock in it. E. Jean says I’m the perfect weight. I feel fantastic. I look spectacular, and that book you gave me? Every day I’m gonna list something I did to make sure women don’t lose their right to vote, their right to choose, or their right to weigh whatever the fuck they want!”

She’ll try interrupting here, but keep talking.

“And, listen, Ma, if I hear one more syllable about a calorie or receive one more photo of a skinny actress, I’ll send you to a therapist to find out why your self-image is so unhinged that you harp on problems that do not exist.”

P.S. Move out as soon as it’s feasible.

P.P.S. Since your weight is perfect, please do not read any further. If you followed the Donald J. Trump 2-Minute Fat Loss Program, you would quickly weigh less than Kendall Jenner.

So stop reading, Ms. Hungry! But for the rest of you, here’s:

The Donald J. Trump 2-Minute Fat Loss Program