The Blonde Embroglio

Dear E. Jean:

My new boss is a major jerk. He hires only very young, very thin, very blond, very beautiful women. E. Jean! I don’t fit the mold!

I was brought in by the former CEO, and now this new guy has taken over. He and I are different as night and day. The blondes are Ok. It’s taking orders from this schmuck that brings me down. I do a great job, I’m successful, and I love my career. However, I have opinions, I express those opinions and he suppresses my ideas! What can I do to make this situation work? —Sorry, I’m Not Scarlett Johansson

Miss Not, My Nightshade:

Go Blonde. If Scarlett Johansson can transform into a brown-as-a-beaver brunette for Asteroid City…. if Bob Dylan can release Blonde on Blonde…. if Picasso can produce a Blue Period…. you can proclaim 2023 your Blonde Period.

What’s $750 spent at a salon when going blonde will turn your whole body into a floodlight? And if $750 seems a little steep, dye it yourself. Just follow these directions using items you already have on hand:

1. Comb dark hair.

2. Divide into 12 sections.

3. Wrap each section in a Clorox Bleach Disinfecting Wipe.

4. Spritz head with Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Cleaner.

5. Set on Hot Rollers.

6. Allow 30 minutes, or until you smell burning.

7. Emergency Room Doctor will send you home with an antibiotic prescription and your blond hair in an attractive plastic bag.

This is bullshit, of course. Why spend money on electricity for your Hot Rollers, when you can simply sit at your desk and slather the guy with long, slow, ego-boosting chats over Slack? This will reduce his disgust of you just enough for him to begin to actually listen to your ideas.

And on those occasions when he accidentally notices that you are not blonde and attempts to “suppress” your thoughts, you can thank him for his “brilliant leadership,” give the same ideas he just tried to quash a slight twist, and win your point anyway. Or you can take the “young,” the “thin” and the “beautiful” blondes out for drinks after work (I advise you to listen to the Conflab tell stories about the great times we had in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s “going out after work”) and come up with a plan together to staple his nose to his pant cuff.

These actions might “make this situation work.”

But are you gonna to do any of ‘em? No. No. No.

Here’s what you’re gonna do: