The Ask E. Jean Wordle

What’s the word you use to describe how one woman blocks another woman from getting with her man?

I got a list here, dearest Reader. Are you willing to try the Ask E. Jean version of Wordle? I only ask because our letter writer today is having trouble with a “poacher” and needs our help.

Dear E. Jean:

I’ve been messaging back and forth with a man on Bumble—the dating app where “women make the first move.” He’s fantastic! Funny, handsome, great career, the right age, etc. We’re going out this weekend.

I was so excited—fantastic men wanting to meet a 39-year old woman are in short supply—that, like an idiot, I told my close friend to go on the app and try to guess who my crush was. I should have known better. She found him! And we exchanged the following texts:

Her: He says he wants a down-to-earth preppy girl—that’s me!

Me: And me!

Her: I don’t think he’s for u. He seems to want a less fabulous type.

Me: Gee, thanx.

Her: Not an insult. You’re just not what anyone would call “down-to-earth.” You’re kind of high maintenance.

Me: I like to think I’m complex. Anyway, we have a date coming up!

Her: Can I message him?

Me: No!

Her: Why not? You’re not involved with him! Women all over the country are messaging him!

Me: But I only wanted to tell you about him and that we’re going out.

Her: I didn’t know u owned the rights to this app. Did u put your stamp on every guy in the five-state area?

Me: Are you kidding, me? Besides, you already have a boyfriend.

Her: Why can’t I contact him, just for fun! Look, he described me to a T! Let’s both message him and let him choose. Fair?

Me: You would write to him knowing I’m interested in him and that we have a date? You don’t see a problem with that?

Her: No. What are u worried about?

E. Jean, I am now questioning my sanity. Help! What should I do? I really like this guy! —Feeling Unhinged

Un, My Umbral Darling:

She’s your “close” friend? If so, her sworn duty is to turn your faults into virtues, stand up for you in a fight, encourage your romantic adventures, and not steal your beaux.

The woman is leaving a snail trail of poison on my Substack. Drop her.

But wait. Should you drop her? Or simply “twat-swat” her? Or perhaps performing a “clam-slam” or “beaver-dam” is more your style. There are a dozen more words to describe what you could do—so here is my advice on “ethical clitorference.”