" My own mother would be shocked to learn the truth about all this!"

Dear E. Jean:

I've been wrestling with a situation for some time now and things just seem to be getting worse instead of better. I don't really know where to start, but I'll give it my best shot.

About five years ago I met a wonderful guy (Nat) and we've been together ever since. He's good-looking, manly, reliable, good fun, and I guess I would have to say that we've been happy together. Last year we married primarily because my Catholic mother, who couldn't stand our living together, was pressing us. I think we finally succumbed because we figured it was about time to start thinking about having children. Ok, fine.

But way back when I first met my husband, we went to the clubs a lot. During that period, I used to see this beautiful woman dancing with a guy who I assumed was her boyfriend. On many occasions our eyes met, but we never spoke until Nat, who eventually came to know the guy she was with, introduced us one night.

E. Jean, this woman was so beautiful! When she (Mia) spoke to me I felt a bit strange and I couldn't understand it. Later that night when Nick and I returned home, he told me that Mia was a lesbian.

He also told me that Mia was attracted to me. I believe he liked the idea—it turned him on to think of two attractive women together, and I guess he probably hoped he would get both of us in bed with him. He cultivated my friendship with Mia, I went along willingly because I was intrigued and sure enough, with time Mia and I became lovers, and she and Nick became friends.

For some years we continued on in this kind of relationship, without any real conflict. I lived with Nat, and Mia lived on her own, but when she stayed with us, I slept with her. We never engaged in three-way sex. I loved both Nat and Mia, and they seemed to be fine with the arrangement. I thought I had found the perfect life style.

THEN the heavy pressure came from my family to marry, and serious discussion about children started. Mia made comments about children—all positive. So I thought she was alright with the idea, too. As the wedding date drew closer, Mia, who was going to be the Maid of Honor, began to change. Finally, the week before the wedding she completely disappeared after telling me that going to the wedding would be too painful for her.

Mia had never asked me to choose between Nat and her—she'd never shown any jealously until that moment. I was dumbstruck.

Well, Nat and I married, and two weeks later Mia came back to me trembling and crying. It broke my heart to see her in such a state. From that moment on, E. Jean, all three of our lives have been whirling in a downward spiral. It's as if the moment that ring slid onto my finger, Nat and Mia started tearing at me from opposite ends.

When I want to spend time with Mia, now my husband says things to me like: "That was fine then, but now you're my wife.”

And Mia has made it clear to me that she cannot tolerate this arrangement any longer. What's happened to the two of them?

If I were absolutely honest, I would admit that Mia is my great love. I have known such tenderness with her, such sweetness, such a complete sense of well-being. My husband is a great guy, but there isn't the same intensity, understanding, or connection between us. No man, I suspect, could match what I share with Mia. I've thought that maybe I should live a lesbian lifestyle with Mia—that's what she wants. But I went to a gay counseling service for help out of this mess, and seeing all those butch women lumberjacks just made me feel more alienated.

Was I naive to think I could always have both?

It seemed to work fine for so long. Jesus, I'm thirty years old, solvent, intelligent, have a great job and a promising future—and look at the mess I'm in.

And what about my husband? I love him and don't want to hurt him. I've thought perhaps I should try and stay with him, have children and try to pursue a more conventional lifestyle. But I don't think I could be happy doing that—not without Mia. And what about Nat's family? I don't want them to turn from me in disgust. My own mother would be shocked to learn the truth about all this. She's very fond of Mia, but thinks, obviously, that Mia is a trusted and loyal friend.

Plus what is she going to tell the rest of our family? It would kill her.

And what about my job? I live in the red part of a conservative state, and fear if all of this comes out into the open I won't be given the opportunity to advance. I may even be shown the door. Then what will I do? Could Mia and I pull through in that eventuality? Or would I feel resentment towards her? Do I have the courage to take this risk? Could I deal with the pressures that would occur if this thing were to blow wide open? These are the questions I keep asking myself.

On the other hand, the alternative of staying with Nat and losing Mia forever makes me think my husband might come home from work one evening and find me hanging by my neck from the staircase. I'm so screwed-up, E. Jean. How in the world did this happen? What am I going to do? ----Drowning in FLA.

Drowning, My Darling:

You ask: “How in the world did this happen?”

Most advice columnists would tell you that it happened because you live in terror of what your parents think . . .

Most advice columnists would tell you it happened because you believe you have the power to “kill” your mother . . .

Most advice columnists would tell you it happened because you let your parents decide when it was time to get married . . .

Most advice columnists would tell you that it happened because you let your parents decide which person you should marry . . .

Most advice columnists would tell you that it happened because you let convention decide if you should bear children . . .

Most advice columnists would tell you it happened because you let the GOP, the state of Florida, and your employers control your career, your ambitions, your pleasures, and your private life . . .

Most advice columnists would tell you it happened because your homophobia (calling women who love women "butch lumberjacks, etc.") robbed you of your powers of true love . . .

Most advice columnists would tell you it happened because while you were running around trying to obtain everyone's permission to live your life, the life you were living was drowning in bullshit . . .

Most advice columnists would manage to restrain themselves and not tell you to pick Nat….or Mia.

So thank Gawd, I’m not “most advice columnists,” cuz I’m gonna tell you…