I've Never Melted at His Touch

Peerless Reader!

We have two problems today. Ms. Remedial and Ms. Drying Up require our attention, our affection and our advice. Let’s give them the cream of the Conflabbian Brain!

We begin with Ms. Remedial:

Dear E. Jean:

This is probably one they covered in Chemistry 101, but I missed that class. My boyfriend and I have been together three years. He loves me. I love him. He’s thoughtful, optimistic, caring, smart, and successful. And very cute. The problem is we lack that “spark.”

I know that sex is just one part of a relationship, and I don’t know whether it’s worth breaking up over. So….. E. Jean: Is it worth breaking up over? The sex we have is okay—not bad, but not great. I’ve never melted at his touch. In short, how important is sexual chemistry?—Remedial Romantic

Remedial, My Rhubarb!

Let’s take your questions one by one:

Q:

Is “lacking that spark” worth breaking up over?

A:

Yes.

Q:

So, are you sure it’s worth breaking up over?

A:

Yes.

Q:

How important is sexual chemistry?

A:

Very.

But you don’t strike me as a wabbling, timid, blenching kind of girl, Remedial, and the famous Conflab will take over in a minute and tell you how to describe to your “thoughtful, caring, very cute” chap ways to cause your seven trillion nerves to melt like a grilled cheese. Just follow their advice and tell him eggggzactly what you want: “Darling, I’d like you to preheat my skillet before you flip me over and butter my buns.”

However. . .

If there continues to be no melting, and if you’re not OK with the “okay sex”—although, I gotta say if you simply kill the routine, read some Anaïs Nin and tie on the blindfolds, you can, with a little vim, bring the okay sex to just right sex………..AND…………..if you’re certain you are not being overly self-conscious, monitoring every second and evaluating every move, chafing instead of enjoying sex like a teenager, either revise your outlook or try someone new.

Cuz if you don’t act now, in a couple of years, you may find yourself writing me the following letter:

Dear E. Jean:

We’ve been married five years, and from the very start our sex life has been decelerating to almost nonexistence. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make it creative, exciting, passionate, and different. But my husband won’t put in any effort. He just lies there and lets me get on with it.

I’ve tried leaving him alone for a while to see if he’d make the first move, but if I don’t initiate it, nothing happens. I know he loves me, and I love him, and he’s a great husband and friend. We have a lot of fun together. He’s very affectionate and cuddly. But it never spills over into anything more than cuddles.

I’ve tried talking to him (carefully), but he says he “just can’t be bothered to have sex.” He’s really happy with all other aspects of our marriage, but I’m at the end of my tether! Please help! I’m too young to settle for this!

P.S. We both exercise a lot and we’re in very good shape. Our sex life was fantastic before we married! ——Drying Up.

Ms. Up, My Uvula:

If it’s not lack of sleep, not stress, not depression, not an affair, and not medications, my guess—and I could guess a thousand things and not be correct—my guess is