I'm So Sexy, He's So Timid

Reader! Bottoms Up! Let’s Solve a Merry Muddle!

We’ve taken on big, serious, significant questions in the last few columns, so isn’t it time for an amusing pickle?

But where do we find such a thing? Nobody is sending old E. Jean amusing pickles, I can tell you! With the former President still trying to overthrow the government, Roe v. Wade teetering on the brink, and Covid cases spiking (again!), the questions landing lately on the Ask E. Jean desk require an experienced undertaker to read them, let alone answer ‘em. Hell, I’d get married just to receive a juicy wedding question.

Hence, I closed my eyes, dipped into the Ask E. Jean archives, clicked at random, and pulled out a plum, er, a pickle, hailing from the days when we were all so excited that Hilary was about to become the first woman elected President of the United States.

Hello, Miss E. Jean:

My boyfriend had been asking me if I owned any racy underthings, so the other evening I surprised him and appeared in a sexy corset, stockings, etc. Needless to say the night did not go as planned. He was definitely surprised, and seemed to like it, however he soon began saying he, "didn't feel well," and added his "stomach pain felt like nerves," and, well, that was that for the night. 

The next morning, he didn't even make a move to seduce me before breakfast—which he always does when he stays over. But he did compliment me immensely on the "plain" t-shirt and undies I was wearing. Had he been intimidated the night before by the beauty of my lingerie? Or, overwhelmed? Frankly, I have no idea! —Don't Understand Men!

Don't, My Unsullied Darling:

You need not know a single thing about men to understand that it was not the "beauty" of your corset that undid the deed. No. No. The business that unsnapped your lad's libido was Anton Chekhov's gun, viz:

If you introduce a gun in the first act….