"I'll Never Be Beautiful, He'll Never Love Me, and I Just Can't Live Like This"

Peerless Reader! If ever your advice was needed, it’s needed today!

Here’s a letter from a woman who can’t go on living because she hates the way she looks …..

DEAR E. JEAN:

I don't know how to word this, but there's nothing attractive about me. I've lost seventy-seven pounds and still have twenty-three more to lose, but that isn't even it. My body is flabby. I have to wear a bra all the time because my breasts sag so much. But weight is only half the problem.

I have terrible acne on my face. (I'm thirty-four.) I've been on every antibiotic, Accutane, etc., and my face still isn't clear. I've had my nose fixed and I guess the doctor did a shabby job (and yes, I researched him first and he appeared to be very credible). Now my nose looks like it was broken and is extremely crooked.

I've been in love with the same man for a long time and he's never wanted anything from me other than very casual sex. It breaks my heart when I see the other women he's involved with. They are all extremely attractive and have naturally beautiful bodies. Whenever I've said I want more from him, he just laughs. He's never taken me out in the ten years that I've known him. I'm just not good enough for him.

But even if he were hopelessly in love with me, I'd still have a very hard time looking in the mirror. I'm a realistic person. I never wanted to look like Taylor Swift. I just want to be averagely pretty. I feel like I never will be, and I just can't live like this. -—Homely

Homely! My Gawd, Woman!

You can give yourself a complete makeover in the next twenty seconds.

Ready?

Drop him! Drain him! Pop that asshole! Pick up your phone, Homes! Block that oozing pustule who’s been infecting you for ten years. Because what happens when you stop seeing yourself through the blood-shot eyes of a man who’s “never taken you out?” You change the way you see yourself. And what happens when you change the way you see yourself? You change.

And………as every philosopher of Truth and Beauty knows: What happens when a woman starts changing?

The

Queenhell

Possibilities

Are

Revealed.

So buck up, Homes! You’ve proved yourself to be a woman with the will, the strategy, the fortitude, the wit, and the stone-cold-fighting determination to lose 77 pounds. Dropping a giant 13-ounce dickwad is nuthin.'

Indeed, I admire your accomplishment so much, I’m gonna pay you the compliment of NOT telling you that you’re gonna be gorgeous, fabulous, dazzling, exquisite, stupendous, shining or stunning. No. I’m just gonna tell you to forget that silly "averagely pretty" folderol. The whole point of having a face is to look unforgettable. The more unusual, the better.

Note: If you don’t like your tits—hoist ‘em up with this ⬇️⬇️⬇️ Warner’s Cloud 9® Super Soft Wireless Lift Comfort Bra RN2771A.

If you don’t like your nose or your skin, get ‘em fixed. Here’s a couple of the best plastic surgeons and best dermatologists————-of course, this list of recommendations will grow when the Conflab—the colossally cogent braintrust of Ask E. Jean commenters who bludgeon the beauty rules and bash the assholes—add their advice———-the best plastic surgeon and dermatologists are: