I Paid My Caltech Tuition as an Escort

Our Sunday Sacrilege

Dear E. Jean:

I went broke putting myself through Caltech, so I worked as an escort—which means, I looked great and, at the most, I’d perform a little striptease show. But a few times (maybe eight), I actually sold my body.

This was several years ago.

I honestly don’t know what I was thinking—well, yes. I had no money. I thought my feminist mind could handle it, and I certainly never felt like I was disrespecting my body. Deep down, I didn’t, and still don’t feel bad about it.

What does bother me is this: I know no guy would ever want to marry me if he found out. Am I morally vacant? Or is my thinking a little skewed? —Ex-Trollop

Dear Trollop:

. . . . . Caltech? Good!

That means you may be one of the few people to have heard that in the winter semesters of 1931, 1932 and 1933, when Albert Einstein was cruising around Caltech on his bicycle, he came up with his seminal, but  little-discussed Law of Sex Relativity:

So let’s see if your “thinking is skewed”:

Einstein showed that, “a woman selling the fruits of her brain is the same as a woman selling the fruits of her body, no matter how fast she travels or how much she charges.” So you are not “morally vacant.” Your thinking, indeed, is 100% right. Of course, since Caltech did not permit Einstein to publish his theory—none of the other scientists at Caltech at the time had ever met a woman—the theory is not widely known. Thus, all you have to do is wait two or three thousand years, and in 4022 or 5022, when human females dominate the earth and are populating other planets, it will be a sacred law.

So for Gawd’s sakes, Trollop, don’t turn into a timorous little twit now!

You put yourself through Caltech, an institution where you need an IQ of 688 merely to apply. You’re a bonafide big-brain, woman! Embrace those eight times and be glad for what they bought you, what they taught you, and move the hell on. Chances are very, very good that you will meet a nice chap and marry.

P.S. And there’s no reason to tell the fellow. Therapists will try to persuade you that honesty is the glue that binds a good marriage, but, in fact, nobody would marry anybody if we unsnapped all the garters of truth.

Before we get to the Conflab Confessional . . .

As this is Sunday, and, as we always take sex questions on Sunday, and, as you’ve all been very, very bad this week, here’s your Bonus Sunday Sacrilege: