I Like Sex, But . . .

Oh my gawd! Look how happy I am in that picture up there! It’s cuz I’m thankful you’ve hung out with Ask E. Jean these last six months. And to show you how extremely chock full of gratitude I am (and to coax you to help solve The Double Milkshake I’m serving up—two problems about loveless sex from exceptionally naive young women), I am giving you a delicious 30%-off-Thanksgiving Subscription!

Snafu

I screwed up! To get the hallowed 30% off Ask E. Jean, open and click the subscription button in the latest newsletter with the subject line Lordy! Lordy! Lordy!

And now grab your straws and long spoons, because here comes that Double Milkshake:

#1 Dear E. Jean:

I have not been in love with any of the guys I’ve had sex with. Recently, I hooked up with a man who turned out to be married. Well, the Conflab must be thinking I’m a bad person. I just get so carried away with the pleasure of it, but later? I feel guilty, worthless, and cheap. Will any man love me if he learns about my past?—I Love Sex, But . . .

Sex But, My Buttercup:

Auntie Eeee is nothing if not a bonfire of optimism when it comes to sex, and Auntie doesn’t care if you boff your jaws of till there is not a single sperm left roaming free in your area code, But, old girl. All the same, if you go on confusing making love with being loved and hoping that by getting “carried away” you will make a chap fall for you, forget it. It won’t, he won’t. As I’ve said a thousand times: Sex won’t bring you love, it will bring you pleasure. Get that straight, or men will play you for a fool the rest of your life.

On the other hand, if you wait till you fall in love to make love, if you live a life which is not only erotically adventurous, but artistically, politically, and socially audacious… and if you stop centering your existence on the weaker sex, you may discover that all of life is a merry romp, not just the bonking part. Hell, I’d bet my heliotrope underpants that in time you’ll even cease giving two flying figs what most men think.

Good luck!

#2 Dear E. Jean:

I’m in the middle of an online affair with a famous married celebrity (an actor), complete with exchanges of naughty photos, suggestive emails, texts, and out-and- out cybersex.

Though I have phone numbers for this man, I am not allowed to call him often because his wife or his family may be around. And he won’t FaceTime or Zoom because, like many famous people, he has serious concerns about videos going viral, etc, so all I can do is DM and text—at his discretion, and only when he’s in Europe or his country place.

I’ve told him a lot about myself, including the facts that I have advanced degrees and am a published novelist, but he’s only interested in me as a cute, “slutty little blond.” This breaks my heart. I’m in love with him.— Novelist

Novelist, My Nasturtium:

Who is this degenerate, overcooked ham?