Her "Affectionate" Husband Earned Four Times the Money She Earned; One Day He Lost His Job, and Their Lives Tumbled Into Disaster

Fair Reader!

They were rich, honorable, and happy.

Our correspondent thinks if she “can just get her husband into treatment, and get him fixed, he’ll go back to his old self and everything will be OK.”

What do you think?

Dear E. Jean,

I have been reading your column since college. But I’m not writing to reminisce about the old days. I’m writing because my 25-year marriage just blew-up.

You will need some background: My marriage, like many, has had its share of challenges. My husband who has usually been the affectionate, brilliant, and dynamic man I fell in love with, has also shown incredibly stupid moments of weakness. He cheated on me during my two pregnancies. We’ve worked through it, but the wounds are still there.

Our two daughters are both in college now and they’re happy and successful. As for our careers, I love my job in tech. But it’s been my husband’s prominent position at a leading Fortune 500 Company—there have been years when he earned four times my salary—that’s provided us our very comfortable life.

But this year, all that changed. I was promoted to the position of CFO at my company—a role I'd long aspired to and worked tirelessly for. I felt like I was finally being recognized for my judgement, talent, hard work, and intelligence. It was the turning point for me professionally and financially, and my husband and I celebrated this milestone with an idyllic weekend in upstate New York. It was probably the happiest time in our marriage.

However, our joy was short-lived. A week or so after our return, we received news that my husband's division was to be eliminated, and in a matter of two months he was no longer with the company. The impact of losing his identity as a “master of the universe” is impossible to describe.

At first he seemed to cope well. He set himself up as a consultant, and I believed it when he repeatedly told me he “couldn’t be prouder” that I was the one “bringing home the bacon.” Then the charismatic man I knew began morphing. His consulting business did not perform up to expectations and he started exploding in sudden, short fits of rage. There were humiliating scenes with waitstaff at restaurants, tirades on the golf course, disparaging comments to our youngest daughter, and unfortunately, an unhealthy focus on my job.

He began calling me incessantly while I was at work, voicing his unsolicited advice and paranoid perceptions about my colleagues. I could hear the strain in his voice, and, at times, the slur of alcohol. At home, he became obsessively critical about my weight, my vocabulary, my posture, and whether I wore stockings or went bare-legged. Comments like "no one will take you seriously if you sit like that," became a daily echo.

His restlessness peaked at night. He woke me up with unsolicited "ideas" for my job, and would shout at me if I sought refuge in the guest room just to get a peaceful night's sleep. There were some days I went to work with only two hours of sleep. I know this is a long letter, E. Jean. I’m almost done!

Last week, the situation spiraled. After one of his drinking episodes, he called my boss. I'm still not entirely sure what was discussed, but my boss compassionately suggested my husband seek "immediate help." I couldn't agree more. We’ve been married a quarter of a century. I have no problem talking to my husband bluntly. I have told him several times he must see a therapist. It only makes him angrier.

What can I do? He refuses all treatment. There are moments when I think if I can just get him into a program, get him fixed, he’ll go back to his old self and everything will be OK.

There are also many moments when I hate him! So, I am torn. Do I leave? Prioritize our daughters, my well-being and career over his? Or, do I stay, hoping to salvage the man, his career and the marriage we once had?—At The Crossroads

My Dear, Dear Crossroads: