To find out which despicable varmint (or varmintess) has been chosen Creep of the Week, scroll past this fascinating Ask E. Jean Classic about “living with a slob.”
Dear E. Jean:
I've been cohabitating with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I was very much in love with him before we moved in together. But we seem to get along best with a little distance between us. The reason: He's such a sloven!
This man is so lazy that when he takes his clothes out of the dresser, he doesn't bother to close the drawers. When he gets himself something to eat, he leaves the kitchen littered with open packages of food. The bathroom is a disaster—laundry and used towels all over the floor. There is sand and debris in our bed, and trash is everywhere, because he can't make it the few steps from the couch to the garbage can.
Living in a pigsty is one thing, but the lack of consideration he shows for me is something else. I hate picking up after him! I feel like his mother, and it makes me resent him. I did get cleaning help—a cleaner comes in once a week, does the floors, the bathroom, the kitchen, and tidies up— but this guy needs a constant shadow to keep things in order. The moment she leaves, it looks as if she's never been here.
I'd like to move out. He says, "You can't live with someone and then move out and assume things will be the same." In other words, he won't stand for my leaving. But I can't accept his lifestyle. When I first moved in, I was dumb enough to think I could train him. Now I know I can never change him. I do love him; he can be kind and funny. But what long-term prospects can our relationship hold? —Stymied
Stymied, My Snap Bean:
Very, very, very dim prospects, indeed. Mr. Dick Drawer is not kind. Mr. Bed Odor is not funny. He is spoiled. He is selfish. And, darling, even if you "do love him,” it means you love a lunkhead who lacks the fire and fizz to even pick up a sock to make you happy.
On the other hand, if he's overwhelmingly exciting in other realms—if he's performed great feats for you (like cooking dinner for your parents, taking care of your sick dog, picking your cousin up at the airport), and if, in your heart, you think he's a matchless, irreplaceable being—then by all means take him up on his promise that "things" won't "be the same" if you move out . . . and pack your bags. You want things to be different.
Just don’t move too far. Stay in the neighborhood. During Japan's great Heian Period (794 through 1185) it was the custom of aristocratic husbands and wives to live in separate households. Try it. It may not be the sweet cottage for two, but it could be the playful and rebellious solution for two misaligned individuals.
And now ladies and Gentlemen, the Nominations for . . .
You gave a mocking “Best Performance Awards” to the brave policemen who testified before the House Special Committee on the Jan. 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol.
Representative Mo Brooks
You wimped out and asked the DOJ to defend you when you were sued by Representative Eric Swalwell for inciting the Jan 6th attack. (They declined.)
Representative Jim Jordan
You allegedly “grovelled,” “cried” and “begged” to get a former Ohio State wrestler to not corroborate his brother’s — and other wrestlers’ — accounts of sexual abuse by the university’s wrestling team doctor when you were coach. You are such a scuttering insect that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi threw you off the House Special Committee investigating the Jan. 6th attack. You deny—against all facts—that Biden won the 2020 election. You took a call from Trump the day of the Jan.6th US attack and can still not get your damn story about it straight.
Representative Matt Gaetz
The Department of Justice is investigating your alleged sexual relationship with a 17-year-old girl, and whether you violated federal sex trafficking laws. You wore a gas mask on the House floor to make fun of Covid protocols. You brought a Holocaust denier to the State of the Union Address in 2018. You refuse to admit that Biden won the 2020 election. You ran like scalded rat when one little liberal whistled during a press conference. I hear you are thinking of leaving politics and taking a job as an anchor at Newsmax, but, ya know rumor says Newsmax turned you down.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene
You believe and spread QAnon fairy tales. You say being asked to wear a mask compares with the horrors of the Holocaust. You are running the America First Caucus, which promotes “Anglo-Saxon political traditions.” You harassed Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Your latest dumb-o assault? You lathered up the lunatics by referring to the Jan 6th rioters as “non-violent trespassers,” went to a D.C. jail and demanded to see “the political prisoners.”
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy
You don’t play fair, Kevin! You led the fight against Representative Liz Cheney, your own party’s Conference Chair, because Liz voted to impeach Trump for his conduct before, during and after the US Capitol riot on January 6. You tried to stop America from getting the Jan. 6th U.S. Capitol attack investigation we needed to hear. You attempted to put one of our other Creep Nominees, Jim Jordan, on the committee. Day by day, Kevin, you are diligently dismantling our democracy.
But Forget These Six Signs of the Moronic Apocalypse.
The Winner of Ask E. Jean’s Creep of the Week Is . . . .
Every UNVACCINATED Adult in America
With just one more variant, they may end up killing us all.
The caption reads: Dr. Martin, right, speaking with Barbara Billigmeier, 74, a patient hospitalized with Covid-19, at Baxter Regional. Mrs Billigmeir said she has not changed her mind about the vaccination, describing it as “too new.” Photo by Erin Schaff/The New York Times
And because I know I don’t know everything, and because readers rule around here, and cuz commenters gotta comment, here’s the Conflab:
Break Out Your Slob Stories
The Conflab is where we hash over the questions sent to Ask E. Jean—and where our boisterous community saves mankind. Today we are advising Ms. Stymied (and we see what she did there with that signature) who is living with a slob and doesn’t know what to do.
If you’ve ever lived with a slob (or if you are a slob), what tips can you offer her?
And by the by, how tidy are you? How often do you clean your house?
As for the Creep of the Week, one of our favorite Conflabbers weighed in early this afternoon: Both of Jena’s nominations made it into the Creep finals
E. Jean Carroll @ejeancarrollNominations are now open for E. Jean's Creep of the Week! Who's YOUR Creep?
And as for the Creep of the Week WINNER?
The life and death question is this: How do you convince someone you know to get the vaccination?
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Photos of Laura Ingraham, Luis M. Alverez-AP; Mo Brooks, White House Photo; Matt Gaetz, Tom Williams, White House/Roll Call; Kevin McCarthy, Alex Wong, The New York Times; Photo of Joshua Matz, E. Jean, and Robbie Kaplan walking into Federal Court: Jefferson Siegle for The New York Times.