Bodice-Ripping for Fun & Profit
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An Ask E. Jean Classic
Dear E. Jean:
I'm a writer, as yet unpublished; but I'm a writer by blood, bone and nature. I'm presently working on several projects, one of which I consider to be my "starmaker," the book that will launch me to the bestseller heavens. However, I procrastinate, I loaf, I let my completed works gather dust on the shelves.
Why? My psychic said "because you're afraid to succeed." True, perhaps; but my every waking moment is consumed by imaginings of how I'll handle the book tours, what I'll wear on Colbert, etc. I know beyond all doubt that this is my destiny. So why do I dither so?
My husband has remarked more than once that he's afraid I'll leave him when I'm rich (and famous), a confession which left me feeling that he can read my mind. We've been together for five years and have an excellent relationship. The sex gets better, I'm more grounded in myself than ever before, yet I fear that my longing for a new, free, single life will eclipse my desire to remain married. I'm loathe to hurt him or prove him right, but if I have to spend another penniless year in retail, I'll throw myself in front of the next outbound train.
This isn't a choice between him or me, is it? I think if I had everything I wanted, I'd go hog-wild. How can I make peace with my ambition? How can I know that doing for myself won't do him in?—Brilliant Author
Brill, My Begonia:
I love your husband.
And I love you, Brilliant, honey, but finish the goddam thing, line up an agent, send her the manuscript, and write to me when you're actually on the bestseller list.
The choice is not between you and him. It’s a choice between you and the woman you want to become; and if you ever want to become that woman, sit down and finish your book, woman!
Meanwhile, get rid of that nutball psychic and her annoying canard about being “afraid to succeed.” That’s cockadoody talk for being “afraid to fail,” and the Conflab [see below] is about to tell you many brilliant ways to avoid doing that.
P.S. Re Best Sellers:
The three All-Time best-selling fiction writers in the world are: William Shakespeare (2-4 billion books sold), Agatha Christie (2-4 billion), and Barbara Cartland (500 million—1 billion). To put those numbers in perspective, today only 0.01 percent of books in the United States sell over 100,000 copies. I repeat, Ms. Brilliant:
0.01%.
96% of books published today will sell between 0 and 1,000 copies. (Hilariously, these stats come from Elle Griffin, a woman who has recently decided to publish her first novel in installments on Substack.) Stephen King, author of Misery, which became the greatest movie ever made about a writer, and won Kathy Bates the Oscar for Best Actress, is merely the 21st best-selling fiction author on the list.
As you are staring at those statistics and, no doubt reminding yourself that you can self-publish your “starmaker” on Amazon, I will tell you about my meeting with Number Three on the Best-Selling Fiction Writers List.
I was working on a story about romance writers for my book, Female Difficulties, and had rolled across America—from LA to New York—on “The Love Train,” an Amtrak chockfull of the biggest women in Romance.
As romance-and-erotica has always sold more books than any other fiction genre (science fiction, mystery, etc.,) the train also carried a shitload of very rich authors; and when we pulled into New York and were met by a tremendous mob of fans and reporters, there was the Queen of Love herself awaiting us. In a hot pink pillbox with two sprays of ostrich feathers coming out the top, a fur around her shoulders, hot pink coat, and red roses in her arms, she condescended to greet the authors who approached her in single file singing, “Well, hello, Barbara.”
“Miss Cartland!” I shouted.
She shifted her head.
“HOW DO YOU CATCH A MAN?” I shouted.
This was back in 1983 when women were still interested in men.
“You find out what he wants and give it to him,” said Miss Cartland.
She was a gigantic Brit, tall, big-boned, big-breasted, broad-shouldered, short-necked, square-jawed, 83 or 84, and step-grandmother to Diana, Princess of Wales. She wrote 24 books a year. She later said: “The only books Diana ever read were mine, and they weren't terribly good for her.”
“Who is the sexiest man in America?” I shouted.
I was shouting because the press was making a such noise.
“I haven’t met them all yet,” said Miss Cartland.
I moved closer.
“Your heroines are perfect,” I said. “What is the most striking flaw in your own character?”
“I have none,” said Miss Cartland. “I admit to none. I absolutely have none.”
“Are you sexually active?” I said.
A hush fell.
“I am still—”she fluttered the baby possum eyelashes —”active.”
I tell you this little story, Ms. Brilliant, for two reasons: A) to remind you that promoting your book will require nearly as much determination, stamina, and genius as writing it. And B) all the best books are bodice-rippers—War and Piece, Pride and Prejudice, Crime and Punishment, Alice in Wonderland—they grab you at the start and never let you go—so what are you waiting for, woman?
P.P.S
If you happen to become a famous novelist named Paul Sheldon who wrote Victorian romance novels featuring a character called Misery Chastain, I advise you to stay off the icy roads of Colorado, else you might be saved by your biggest fan:
Because I know that I don’t know everything, and because readers rule around here, and cuz commenters gotta comment, here’s the Conflab:
The Conflab School for Famous Writers
The Conflab is where we hash over the questions sent to Ask E. Jean—and where our boisterous community saves mankind. Today we are advising Ms. Brilliant on how the hell to finish her damn book.
I have one tip:
Ms. Brilliant, join a writing group. You have been working in the dark. Nothing is more exciting or energizing than hearing a fellow writer tell you that she loves a paragraph or a page of your work. A writing group will improve your “starmaker,” and help you set deadlines so you will actually finish. Deadlines are good. That’s two tips. And now I’m turning it over to the Conflab:
What do you do to get your projects done?
How do you get yourself to sit down and start?
What foods do you eat when you’re working? And what do you wear? And where do you write?
How good are you at taking suggested edits?
How fabulous are the excuses you tell yourself to put off writing?
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Here’s the latest update on Carroll v Trump
Sigh. I’m a book publishing exec with 25yrs in the biz and therefore must give a dose of reality to the author of this letter:
The only thing you should focus on is finishing ONE book. Forget trying to write several at once. Work on the one you are most passionate about. Why?
Because your first book sets the tone for your career as an author. Your first book is the one you’re going to have to send to agents with a query letter. It’s the book that, if published, will give you your first sales track record. And when you try to publish book #2, that’s what publishers will look at.
Work on building a platform for yourself because publishers look closely at what kind of audience you already have.
Write something fresh, compelling, and think about who the audience is for the book/how you’d market it.
Such a small % of books make it on bestseller lists. Please make sure you take a look at the NYT bestseller list to see what fiction books are there. To get on the bottom of the list, a book needs to sell 5K copies a week. Most books don’t even sell that much in a year. You need to know that.
Read book review sections of the NYT, LA Times, Washington Post, Buzzfeed. Look at most anticipated books for the second half of 2021 and 2022 on The Millions. Don’t live in a silo. Be aware of what books are being covered. You cannot be an author who doesn’t understand book coverage these days.
Don’t expect to get rich from writing a book. That’s absolutely rare. Publishers pay small advances. By small, I mean $2500-$30/$40K on average. 6 figure deals don’t happen much anymore!
It takes a long time to get royalties from a book and foreign rights only sell if there’s big potential for the book in the US.
All that said, I think your fear is more about failing. You should befriend other writers, join an org like the Authors Guild. Join The Binders on Facebook. Join a writers group for some accountability.
My bottom line advice is if you want a publisher to pick up the book, don’t self-publish. If you are willing to spend money on marketing/PR (I’m talking about $20K), then self publishing is an option. You should also hire an editor to help you with the manuscript. Everyone needs an editor.
Keep writing and good luck.
Other people here have given and will continue to give you fabulous advice about the actual writing, so I'ma skip over that right now, because here's the thing.
You say that you're afraid that you might want to leave your lovely, sex-adept, supportive husband if you suddenly become a New York Times bestseller.***
Are you also going to leave him when that doesn't happen instantly? When the rejection notices start piling up? When you figure out exactly how hard self-publishing can be, and how many predatory small, independent publishers are out there? When you cross paths with an incompetent editor? When you read your first harsh review?
You know the saying attributed to Marilyn Monroe: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best?"?
Are you really the type of person who would lean on someone through the hard times and then abandon them the second you think you don't need them any more?
I am NOT saying you owe it to your husband to stay with him. Hell, no.
The questions above are not rhetorical. They are questions you need to ask yourself and keep asking yourself until you know the answers. Because I don't think you're really afraid you'll do that. You're using it as an excuse to procrastinate.
So, stop making excuses. Just finish the book. Stop being so attached to the outcome. Just take a deep breath and write.
***Sudden success is a myth. Take my brilliant friend Shawn A. Cosby. (Google him.) In the very few years that I've known him, he went from just publishing his first novel to seeing his third novel, "Razorblade Tears", make the top 10 on the NYT bestseller list as of publication today with jacket blurbs from people like Michael Connelly and Stephen King.
It looks like he came out of nowhere, but he has been working his ass off for years, writing short stories, novels and I don't even know what-all else while he honed his skills and never gave up. So, while it may look like it happens overnight, there are years and years of blood, sweat and tears that have to come first. Use that time to figure out who you are. <3