Advice-a-thon (The Short Shorts)

Peerless and Faithful Reader!

To celebrate the nearly two years of Ask E. Jean on Substack and the brilliance of the Conflab——the most rambunctious bunch of viziers in the history of civilization——and the fact that it’s Thursday, I hereby declare this to be

🎇 🎇 🎇 🎇 🎇 🎇

NATIONAL SHORT SHORTS DAY

So let us praise short questions and shorter answers——old and new.

And because old E. Jean is human, and because the advice I gave twenty years ago, twenty weeks ago, or twenty minutes ago may now seem harsh, deranged, dated, weird or wrong …..I’m calling upon the Mighty Conflab to leap in and expand— hell, did I say expand?— EXPUNGE my answers! Wipe my answers off the landscape! Strip ‘em! Rip ‘em, Reader! The correspondents need your advice and wisdom now!

There are nine questions. The questions go from easy to very, very difficult. Each is a Short-Short from a woman complaining about a man or men in general.

Are you ready to right some wrongs, Redoubtable Reader? Here are the three easiest questions:

When leaving a comment, put the #numbers of the questions, so we can better enjoy and revel in your advice!

1.

When we text, he says we "must stop." When I kiss him, he says he "shouldn't." Whenever I call him to meet me at a hotel, he says he "wants to, but can't." I've promised that his wife will never find out. What kind of man would turn me down so much?

 A smart one.

(Uh, that’s my answer—what’s yours?)

2.

I'm a confident engineer working in a city urban-planning office. I know it's shocking to see a young woman in my job, but the male contractors, developers, lawyers, etc. can't seem to get past this fact, and constantly hit on me, saying things like: "If I were younger, we'd be going out tonight." What's a clever woman to say?

 Say, "O! Don't worry your pretty little head about it. It wouldn't have made a difference anyway."

3.

I’m looking for a man who’s funny, intelligent, trusting, respectful, generous, nurturing, protective, compassionate, a fetishist and dominant in the bedroom. He must be over 6’, 24-27 years old, and be an actor, writer, or director. I can’t seem to find him!

Kill the list, darling. You’ve ticked off Miss Fate.

These next three questions don’t look difficult, but they kinda are:

Don’t forget, darling, when leaving a comment, put the #numbers of the questions, so we can all marvel at the magnificence of your answers.

 4.

Is it true men don’t find funny women attractive? Male friends often tell my best friend and me how much they love our witty banter. But men don’t seem to see our potential as dates---and we’re both smart, successful and attractive women! Is our wit putting them off?

As long as you laugh at their jokes, men don’t mind how hilarious you are. Your mistake is appearing as a pair. Do you see Nikki Glaser and Nicole Byer hitting the clubs together? Never. One witty woman is enticing, two witty women are intimidating. Divide and you will conquer.

5.

Even when I beg my husband, we have sex twice a year---if I’m lucky. He refuses to see a counselor. I’ve tried everything! I want intimacy! I’m tired of suffering! This is not normal! Help!”

No husband is “normal.” Some gents can’t get enough. Others never want it again. But if you’ve tried “everything,” tell the poor chap that you’re taking a lover. Life is too sublime to be crushed under a block of ice.

6.

I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found all these texts to his friends (male and female) saying truly mean things about me.  He makes me sound like a castrating hag! But he’s great to me in person. Should I end it?

  There are totally different ways of answering your question. A) He should break up with you because you went through his phone.  B) You should break up with him for making you “sound like a hag.” C) You should stay together because you deserve one another.

Good luck with these last three. They seem simple, but I was never quite delighted with my answers.

I don’t have to remind you, do I, Unforgetful Reader, to put the #numbers of the questions when bowling us over with the beauty and wit of your answers?

7.

How can you tell if a handsome guy in a service profession (waiter, bartender, marshal arts instructor, etc.) is being friendly in expectation