Advice-a-thon

This ⬆⬆⬆ of course, is the supreme Sophia Efthimiatou, the Head of Publisher Relations at Substack, Inc..

And a few days ago Sophia posted a little interview with your undeserving advice columnist and towards the end, Sophia declared to the world with the highest pitch of enthusiasm . . .

“Go ahead and ask E. Jean a question, about anything.”

Ha!

Peerless Readers!

Your fellow humans, suddenly licensed by the gods, texted questions, emailed questions, telephoned questions, tweeted questions, and, for all I know, attempted transmitting questions through mental telepathy.

So . . . whattya say? Are you up for solving some quagmires? When the world feels like it’s going crazy, isn’t giving succor to the flummoxed….and relief to the whip-sawed one of the best ways to de-stress?

Let’s give it a whirl! Come on!

I’m gonna take a quick swing at each question with a line or two, and you—the famous Conflab, rescuer of mankind—will weigh in with your wit, your experience, your stories, your solutions, and your incomparable advice. You can answer one question, or answer all of them. Cuz you never know—a few words from you can change the correspondent’s view so completely, their problem is solved. Ready? I’m not gonna say I’m SURE about anything here, I’m just the lead-off batter. It’s up to you step up, and hit it out of the park.

1. Will hypnosis help me NOT see my husband’s faults and find him attractive again? I want to have sex with the lights on!

A vibrator may work better than hypnosis. But hypnosis may help you become aware of your husband’s strengths, and when you see your partner’s strengths, it will change the way you see his flaws.

2. How do you get dewy skin?

Me? Warm water! Stay wet! Slather Vaseline!

3. When I die, what will I most regret NOT doing when I look back on my life?

Having fun. I advise you to start having it NOW.

Beauteous Reader! This is going pretty well, don’t you think? Want to try three more?

4. Where is a 53-year-old man supposed find a woman to date if he doesn’t go to bars?

Get a pedicure. Take a yoga class. Join a book club.

5. How can I write a Substack when I’m so intimidated by the credentials of other writers?

All writers feel intimidated. It nudges us to write with pizzazz. (P.S. I am intimidated by your question.)

6. Any words of wisdom for me as I consider remarriage at 66 years old?

The only reason to get married—at ANY age— is to enjoy one another. Also one of the best reasons for NOT getting married is to enjoy one another.

Indefatigable Reader! Now that you’re warmed up……..can you take three more?

7. Will you please send me money?

No.

8. What's the best way to start uncluttering—aside from getting MYSELF out of bed?

Clutter is simply the latest drafts of the History Of Your Life.

(P.S. And like all drafts, it doesn’t hurt to organize, cut, and polish.)

9. Any advice on dealing with grown children?

They made it to adulthood? You must be doing something right. Trust your instincts!

Valiant Reader! These last four questions are NOT for the uptight, the squeamish, the prudish, the doltish, or the dumb-hearted: